tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71531632425291466602024-03-13T13:34:43.787+00:00Eating disorders in boys: my teenage son's recovery from anorexia.Looking for information on eating disorders in boys? Worried that your son has an eating disorder? How can you tell if a boy has an eating disorder? In 2009 my 15-year-old son developed anorexia. Now, aged 28, he is recovered & studying psychology in order to help others. This blog tells the story of my son's recovery from anorexia as well as raising awareness of eating disorders in boys. Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.comBlogger885125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-21259004953487147762022-05-18T10:13:00.006+01:002022-05-18T10:17:06.030+01:00Can you help my son with an important study he's doing as his thesis for his MSc in Psychology? Please reply ASAP!<p>I am so proud of my son! At 28-years old, he's been working tooth and nail at an MSc in Psychology with the goal of using his own experiences with mental health (eating disorders in particular) to help others. What could be better? As his mum, I am 1000% behind him in his passion for psychology and am floating on air. Back in the days... months... years of his terrible eating disorder (anorexia), I could never have dreamed that he'd end up so passionate and knowledgeable about mental health issues and use his experiences to go on to help others. Just... WOW!!! Anyway, we need YOUR help...</p><p><span></span></p><a name='more'></a>As part of Ben's (not his real name) Masters in Psychology and his Thesis, he's been working hard at putting together an 8-week study on Mindful Compassion / The Compassionate Mind / Mindfulness and he needs people to take part from 11th June<span style="color: red;"><b> (so please get in touch before then if you can help!)</b></span><br /><p></p><p>It's simply a case of watching a short podcast once a week then doing a mindful activity which he will set out in an accompanying information sheet. It shouldn't take up much of your time, but it will help him enormously! Here's the poster he's put together about it.<br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg68BJziZA3vJN0K-Yo38ZCG4HdF6u0q7QKwckx7O5tQ4AlnE3e1_rSd-WpClx7REUEb5T-3Rel-kivXOjhAadI_iynb_v30yctxhhrkWhsQNCY0AfSr_JJ9BRGbl6I9YPnGiQyaZJlWuF_QhaVf0w9rOfcXhPYo8StwaUX9ZY_RzjmJma50RJkvbm-/s858/MindfulnessPoster2.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="858" data-original-width="644" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg68BJziZA3vJN0K-Yo38ZCG4HdF6u0q7QKwckx7O5tQ4AlnE3e1_rSd-WpClx7REUEb5T-3Rel-kivXOjhAadI_iynb_v30yctxhhrkWhsQNCY0AfSr_JJ9BRGbl6I9YPnGiQyaZJlWuF_QhaVf0w9rOfcXhPYo8StwaUX9ZY_RzjmJma50RJkvbm-/s320/MindfulnessPoster2.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><p><br />If you would like to take part, or you know anyone else who would (the more, the better!), please email me at bev@bevmattocks.co.uk and I'll send you his contact details.</p><p><span style="color: red;"><b>The study starts on 11th June, so please contact us ASAP if you'd like to take part!!</b></span><br /></p><p></p><p>Thank you so much!!<br /></p>Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-63383832450784297102021-12-27T13:16:00.003+00:002021-12-27T19:31:02.414+00:00Some good things that have come out of the Covid pandemic lock-downs<p>If anything good has come out of the Covid pandemic, it's that lockdowns, pressure on NHS staff, etc has raised the profile of mental health issues. Increasingly, celebrities and people in the media are 'coming clean' about their own struggles with mental health. Unlike when my son began to develop the deadly eating disorder, anorexia, in 2009, there is much, much less of a stigma attached to mental health struggles. It seems completely bonkers that, back in 2009, I felt pressurised to keep my son's emerging eating disorder as a secret to avoid being blamed as a 'bad mother' i.e. the cause of my son's eating disorder - or, to protect my son, the antiquated conclusion that an individual's mental health battles are a sign of 'weakness'.<span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p>After all these years, we know that, far from being a weakness, struggling with poor mental health and keeping going, is a sign of amazing strength. In my son's case with anorexia, it was his determination to say "No!" to the eating disorder that had him in a vice-like grip for so very long. My son said that he refused to "allow the eating disorder to steal any more years from my life". It wasn't easy, as the eating disorder threatened to destroy him and changed his appearance and personality beyond recognition.<br /></p><p>However, as he began to recover, he kept going, as do so very many others who struggle to overcome or successfully manage mental illness.</p><p></p><p></p><p><span></span></p><p><span></span></p><p>Once over the eating disorder, my wonderful son - now 28 years old - refused to let Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD - a result of the trauma that he underwent while struggling with anorexia) and depression take him over despite frequently wondering if he'd be better off just ending it all.</p><p>He continued with therapy. (Yes, I admit that we were able to pay for private therapy; help on the NHS for the over-18s would have meant waiting for months or longer on waiting lists only to end up with whichever therapist he was allocated. We have been very fortunate.) When a therapist didn't feel like the right fit, he found one that did.</p><p>As I said last week, the wonderful school nurse, Sheila, who was a lifeline for both of us during my son's worst anorexia years, recommended a fantastic therapist who my son worked with, via Zoom, for a year or so.</p><p>And here's another positive thing that's come out of the pandemic: Zoom. I'm no expert, but I imagine that online mental health therapy via Zoom, etc wasn't really a 'thing' before the Covid lockdowns. As lock-downs saw many face-to-face interactions go online, it brought people access to (private) mental health practitioners all over the UK, even the world.</p><p>I, too, have found a wonderful online therapist - a fabulous counseller who lives hundreds of miles away. I talk to her once a week, via Zoom. She's the best therapist I've ever had, and I've been through a fair few as a result of my C-PTSD struggles and, before that, the strains that came from the sheer horror of being a parent of a teenager plummeting into deadly anorexia. </p><p>So, yes, that's it for today - just putting my thoughts down here. Not perfect, I know, but that's another thing that's come out of all this: I've been fighting against my own need for perfection; the way I used to read and re-read, then tweak and re-tweak, all the stuff I wrote down here and in the writing of my book from 2013: <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Please-eat-mothers-struggle-anorexia/dp/0957511809" target="_blank">Please eat...: A mother's struggle to free her teenage son from anorexia</a>.</p><p>If things aren't perfect; if there are grammatical errors or spelling mistakes or if I go off on a tangent, then that's OK. <br /></p><p><br /></p><p></p>Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-8402568930127241672021-12-21T16:08:00.003+00:002021-12-21T16:09:37.348+00:00First media interview I've done since the C-PTSD kicked in (and now, thankfully, out)<p> I struggled for a long time with Chronic or Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) as a result of the horror, trauma and stress of battling to get my son through his eating disorder (anorexia). For what seems like years I was unable to face anything to do with eating disorders and that included writing this blog and talking to the media about the issue of eating disorders in boys / males. It was just too triggering.<span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p>Thanks to some wonderful therapy, I am now at the stage where I feel I can face the world of eating disorders again without it triggering me too much. I'm taking it easy... step by tiny step... But last week I agreed to do a radio interview about the problem of many GPs not always recognising eating disorders, especially in boys.</p><p>I can't believe that, 12 years on from my own battles to get my son diagnosed with anorexia and referred by the GP for CAMHS eating disorder treatment, the problem is still very much there. GPs simply aren't recognising the classic signs of an eating disorder simply because they haven't had sufficient training in the illness.</p><p>It will be interesting to hear the radio report when the journalist pieces together the various interviews she's carrying out.</p><p>Watch this space for a link.<br /></p>Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-7107103056868781422021-12-16T16:04:00.001+00:002021-12-16T16:07:42.373+00:00Almost 3 years since my last post - here's an update<p>Things have changed enormously over the past couple of years, and not because of the covid pandemic; it's better news than that. I'm trying to remember where I left off in Ben's story, so here's a quick recap for those who want to know how Ben is getting along these days.<span></span></p><a name='more'></a>Ben completed his primary school teacher training PGCE in 2020, the latter half of the course hindered by the emergence of Covid restrictions. After a lot of thought he decided that, for now, teaching isn't for him. Not because he didn't enjoy teaching and certainly not because he was bad at teaching - he received some fantastic thank you notes and gifts from parents and children following teacher training placements - but because of the way teachers are so restricted these days along with the massive amount of paperwork.<p></p><p>Ben didn't feel that he could be the kind of teacher he wanted to be because of all of this. It's so sad, but I know he's not alone.</p><p>Anyhow, by mid 2020 Covid was on the rampage so Ben took a break to focus on his mental health. Although the anorexia had gone, Ben had been left with Chronic Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of his battles with the eating disorder. It's not just parents, like me, who can find themselves with PTSD after fighting to get their son or daughter through an eating disorder; it makes total sense that it can affect the young person, too.</p><p>Ben was also fighting depression which was often deep and dark.</p><p>So on one hand there was the numbing effects of the PTSD (which, from experience, I know about very well) and on the other, deep depression that would often make him wonder what the point of life was.</p><p>My mum paid for him to have private therapy. Because of the pandemic, the therapy had to be online, via Zoom. This was good in the way that it gave him access to therapists across the country, or even beyond; he wasn't restricted to local therapists. </p><p>But after several sessions, he decided this particular therapist wasn't the right fit for him.</p><p>Remember Sheila, the school nurse? That wonderful woman who helped me enormously during the worst of Ben's anorexia when he was still at school and who we've kept in touch with ever since?</p><p>She'd been suffering from PTSD as a result of her struggles with Maleria while in Africa. Back in the UK, she'd found a brilliant therapist who was a massive help to her. Sheila suggested Ben got in touch with this therapist and he did.</p><p>Over the next 10 months or so, Ben and the new therapist had weekly Zoom sessions. </p><p>To cut a long story short, she was incredible! Ben really engaged with her and began to think differently. Her techniques helped him enormously and, increasingly, he began to read self-help books and watch videos that she recommended. </p><p>Ultimately she helped him find a new path - a phenomenally successful path where he explored his own experiences, past and present, and discovered all about how the brain works and how mental health problems can occur.</p><p>This really is cutting a long and impressive story short as he's kept us up to speed with his new discoveries - true Eureka moments! He was devouring psychology books at a rate of knots!</p><p>I did a bit of Googling around and discovered a MSc course in psychology aimed at people who'd got different degrees - a conversion course. Ben got accepted at a couple of local universities but chose the cheaper one as we were having to self-fund. With a degree, MA and PGCE behind him there were no more student loans available.</p><p>He is now part-way through the course and furthering his own knowledge massively with Eureka moments virtually every day. </p><p>Thanks to the therapy and his own explorations and insights into psychology, he's been able to put the PTSD behind him and manage the depression. He also says that all of this has helped him understand his eating disorder in depth.</p><p>So this is all fantastic news. Next week Ben will be 28 years old and a budding psychologist or researcher. </p><p>Watch this space for more news!<br /></p>Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-44896786138891562932019-01-27T13:27:00.000+00:002019-01-27T13:36:31.322+00:00I have been fighting the NHS for 10 years - it should never, ever have been like this. Not for us, not for anyone.As I said to my H last night: "I would have been surprised if (a) the NHS had offered me further help for C-PTSD, and (b) if that help had been effective evidence-based treatment over a sufficient period of time for me to recover rather than being discharged after a handful of sessions way, way too soon. It shouldn't be like this, for anyone suffering from mental health issues whether that's an eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia or a condition like Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.<br />
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What is the point of (a) letting people get worse before they're treated and / or (b) discharging them far too soon because 'the powers that be' are only offering a limited handful of sessions, bearing in mind that the first few sessions are always going to be about getting to know the patient, explaining the legalities and also how the treatment will pan out.<br />
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Aside from making people suffer needlessly over long periods, or even causing fatalities if someone takes their own life or dies from, say, a complication of an eating disorder, it's a massive waste of money.<br />
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Another massive waste of money, and also potentially deadly, is for mental health professionals NOT to be up to date with the latest evidence-based treatment and to continue with older defunct methods, as was the case with my son's eating disorder treatment.<br />
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But most important of all, to you... to us... is that we're having to fight the very people who are supposed to be helping us!<br />
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At a time when we're fighting other stuff - like trying desperately to keep our children alive while a deadly eating disorder seeks to destroy them.<br />
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Or simply at a time when we, as parents, are trying to claw back something resembling the peace of mind we had before any of this happened.<br />
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As my H said to me last night: "This has happened to us twice now. First with you having to fight to get eating disorder treatment for Ben and now with you having to fight to get C-PTSD treatment for yourself - for a condition that, ironically, was partly caused by the former fight!!"<br />
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I feel as if I've been fighting the NHS for 10 years.<br />
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I<i> have</i> been fighting the NHS for 10 years.<br />
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And I no longer trust them an inch.<br />
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In all truth, I would have found it difficult to continue with NHS treatment for C-PTSD because part of my condition is about being SO VERY ANGRY with the NHS, the very people who would have been treating me and inviting me to 'open up' and talk about stuff.<br />
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In my C-PTSD mind, it's like opening up to the enemy. I want to thump them rather than 'open up' to them!!!<br />
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And now that I've been discharged because it's felt that no further C-PTSD treatment would be helpful while I'm still being triggered into flashback mode, my anger has reached boiling point.<br />
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How many times do I have to say that flashbacks are a <i>major symptom</i> of C-PTSD and PTSD!!!<br />
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<b>As my H said last night, it's like someone being discharged from treatment for, say, cancer because they have developed a further suspicious lump - come back when the lump is gone and we may (or may not) consider treating you again...</b><br />
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<br />Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-89568931285218982222019-01-25T11:49:00.004+00:002019-04-10T17:20:45.591+01:00Because I'm still being triggered, 'further therapy' has been felt to be inappropriate...Hang on a mo, NHS... Let's see if I've got this right from the letter I've received this morning... Because I still have most of the Complex (or Chronic) Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) symptoms, despite having had 'three full sessions of therapy' over the years, yet I still 'feel the same', and because I still get 'triggered by Ben' (not his fault, just that certain noises, actions, etc trigger me because I have C-PTSD as a result of the years spent battling with his anorexia and, ironically, the NHS), NHS mental health services do 'not feel further therapy would be helpful at this point' and are therefore 'discharging [me] from the service'.<br />
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<i>Er... NHS... I'm being TRIGGERED because being TRIGGERED into flashbacks is a primary symptom of both PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and C-PTSD? </i><br />
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Past therapy <i>has</i> been <i>partly</i> effective but there's still a lot of work to do, after all this is C-PTSD, but it almost implies that I didn't recover fast enough? Or didn't engage with trauma therapy?<br />
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In the letter (a cc copy of a letter sent to my GP), they do understand some of the problems I have been experiencing experiencing, but they also say the above which is kind of weird...<br />
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<i>It's absolutely BARKING MAD that they are discharging me because they feel further therapy wouldn't be helpful because I am still being triggered into flashback-mode!</i><br />
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An example would be if Ben suddenly cries out from his room - e.g. if he's scored in a computer game - or crashes around - e.g. crashing downstairs to answer the door to a friend - my mind flips me back to the many, many times when such sounds heralded an all-too-different result as his eating disorder forced him to bang his head against a wall or howl like a wild animal.<br />
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I get triggered.<br />
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<i>And it's horrible.</i><br />
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It's not Ben's fault and I can't expect a young man to creep around the house in silence, treading on eggshells in case he triggers flashbacks.<br />
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Or for him to disappear out of my life because he - or, more accurately, his former illness: anorexia - risks triggering these flashbacks. <br />
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Because, let's face it, flashbacks are what you get when you have a trauma-related condition like PTSD or C-PTSD. It is a SYMPTOM, goddammit!! It's the first thing that people think about when talking about PTSD. <br />
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<i>Yet the NHS don't feel that any further treatment would be 'helpful' to me 'at this point' BECAUSE I AM GETTING TRIGGERED into flashbacks!!</i><br />
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A bit revolving-doors-like, that is. Catch 22 and all that... <br />
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So tough luck, I'm spat out of the system and left to fend for myself. They say that 'it may be that [I] would benefit from a more explorative approach for example psychodynamic therapy once [my] son leaves home'. (In other words, when I'm not being triggered - but, oh! - I would still have him in my life for god's sake, he's my son and he can't help being a trigger, poor soul!!!) <br />
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For now they suggest I might consider self-referring to the charity MIND or a counselling service.<br />
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I don't need counselling, counselling doesn't do any good, I need evidence-based treatment for C-PTSD for gods sake!Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-8796056558213047792019-01-22T10:52:00.000+00:002019-01-22T10:54:18.955+00:00The rumblings of a developing eating disorder, 10 years ago this spring10 years is a milestone in a life and, in our family, the past 10 years brought with them a horror that we couldn't have imagined in our worst nightmares. 10 years ago this spring, in 2009, my son began to exhibit worrying symptoms, although back then we had no idea that these were a prelude to a full-blown eating disorder like anorexia. Of course we didn't. We had no idea that boys get eating disorders just like girls.<br />
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There was the instance when we drove down to Kent to celebrate Paul's sister's birthday. It was a last-minute decision. Ben had a friend staying with us, so the friend came too. I remember noticing that Ben didn't eat much, if any, of the 'unhealthy' buffet food: sausage rolls, quiche, vol-au-vents, crisps, that kind of thing. On the return journey we stopped off at a motorway service station. While the friend, Paul and I tucked into fried chicken, Ben went off in search of a 'healthier' sandwich.<br />
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Then there was the other instance when we headed down to Devon for Easter. Ben was getting increasingly obsessed with his appearance. He was getting snappy and his mood was low. We just put it down to teenage angst.<br />
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At the time I wrote a blog for the Weston Mercury newspaper (a local newspaper in Weston-Super-Mare). I described Ben's moodiness on the day we stopped off at Weston for lunch. Here's what I wrote which, looking back 10 years later, seems eerily prophetic...
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>Meltdown at the Marine Lake</b></span>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">In case you missed it, there was a serious emergency going on by the Marine Lake at Half Term. 15-year old Ben wasn't just having a Bad Hair Day; he was having a Total Image Meltdown...
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">So there was NO WAY he was getting out of the car when we arrived in Weston from Yorkshire.
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">His hair was all wrong. Just as tragic, he</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">'</span>d left his rock star sunglasses at home. His (positively concave) abs were </span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"</span>fat</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"</span> and the face-wash he</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">'</span>d pinched off me had given him spots.
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"</span>You look wonderful</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"</span>, I sighed for the umpteenth time as he carefully positioned each expensive </span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">'</span>putty</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">'</span> covered hair into place.
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"</span>I beg to differ</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"</span>, he said in a condescending way, pouting his lips in the car mirror and scrutinising his face from each side.
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Honestly, it</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">'</span>s worse than having a daughter. He spends more time getting ready in the morning than I ever did. And in my day we didn</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">'</span>t have hair straighteners, ionic hairdryers and half the goo, wax, putty, gunk and gel you can get these days.
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">It was so much easier when Ben was little. Back then he was content with a quick short back and sides at the barbers. A quick rub with the towel, a free lollipop and he was as happy as Larry. Or if funds were tight, a swift once-over with his dad</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">'</span>s electric clippers.
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Now he</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">'</span>s taken a liking to the rather pricey hair salon I use. Even the </span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">'</span>graduate stylist</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">'</span> costs a sharp-intake-of-breath-inducing £26... Add on the tub of hair goo and you don'’t get much change from £35.
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">The only consolation is that hubby Paul</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">'</span>s hair costs absolutely nothing to maintain. He’s as bald as a coot.
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Anyway, walking towards the Marine Lake Ben was taking a critical sideways glance into every window.
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">He was pinching bits of </span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"</span>fat</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"</span> on his stomach and checking if his (skinny) bum looked </span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"</span>too big</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"...</span> "Do you think I</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">'</span>m good looking?</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"</span> he asked doubtfully.
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"I think you look wonderful!</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"</span> I replied brightly, worrying he may be bordering on the anorexic. But then remembering how he enthusiastically cleared his plate the evening before and feeling reassured it was </span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"</span>just a phase</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"</span>.
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"</span>I</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">'</span>m going to dye my hair black</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"</span>, he said. </span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"</span>Oh, and I</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">'</span>m planning to become a Buddhist.</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"</span>You</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">'</span>re WHAT?!</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">But he wasn</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">'</span>t listening; he was busy texting his mates. </span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"</span>They</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">'</span>ve gone into Leeds shopping</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"</span>, he said, hating being stuck with us in Weston on a Bad Image Day and scowling as Paul takes a photo of him and me on the beach as we walk towards the Pier.
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">The one that he later decided looked cool enough to put on Facebook, despite the Image Crisis. Without me, of course. I was airbrushed out.
</span>Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-43517529622333404682019-01-21T11:25:00.000+00:002019-01-22T10:25:53.011+00:00NHS have washed their hands of the matter10 years ago this coming autumn I was cramming up on eating disorders and evidence-based treatment in order to fight for my 15-year old son to get successful treatment for his escalating anorexia. I quickly realised that the NHS wasn't going to rush this thing through despite the fact that I was rapidly learning how deadly an eating disorder can be, especially if left untreated for a lengthy period. It was only when, in the early spring that followed, my son's pulse plummeted to 29bpm and he was rushed into hospital, that NHS mental health services finally agreed to see him for eating disorder treatment. In other words, it appeared that his life had to be at risk for anything to be done.<br />
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Over the last months I've been trying to get NHS treatment for Complex (or Chronic) Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) which developed as a result of the horrifying years spent fighting for and caring for my son and his anorexia. I have also been cramming up on C-PTSD and evidence-based treatment, just as I did for my son's anorexia.<br />
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As I've described elsewhere on this blog, I've received all manner of different treatments since I developed C-PTSD a few years ago, both NHS and private, none of which was wholly successful and the more I delved into C-PTSD the more I realised that certain elements of the treatment I'd received were never going to work for C-PTSD (which requires different and more extensive and prolonged treatment than its 'cousin' Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Therapies, like CBT (<span class="st">Cognitive behavioural therapy) </span>and EMDR (<span class="ILfuVd">Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing)</span>, helped to some extent; both have been proven to be successful elements of the intricate mix of therapies that are being shown to work with C-PTSD. But they are not the whole picture. Not by any means.<br />
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So last year, following a really cr@ppy winter when I scarcely left the house and even found it difficult to get out of bed, I went back to my GP who agreed to refer me back to NHS secondary mental health services. After a long wait, I received two lengthy assessments in December. The therapists said they didn't 'have a magic wand' and it was 'up to me' to deal with this although they did say they'd arrange for some occupational therapy to ease me back into 'the real world' that I'd been AWOL from for the last 10 years, although personally I felt strongly that I hadn't yet reached that stage and I said so.<br />
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Then last week they called me and said this request had been turned down by 'the powers that be' and there was nothing more they could do for me. In other words, I was out on a limb. It was tough luck. It was as if I hadn't recovered fast enough using their therapies last time round. They said they were really sorry but these days one has to be a 'risk to oneself' to be considered for therapy.<br />
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<i>Hmn... sounds a tad similar to what I was hearing 10 years ago...</i><br />
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Of course it didn't surprise me. I take all the political propaganda which the government keeps churning out of 'more and more investment in NHS mental health' with a massive pinch of salt.<br />
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After 10 years of cynicism as far as NHS mental health services go, I would have been surprised if (a) I was offered further help, (b) I was offered a sufficient number of sessions, and (c) that this help was evidence-based for C-PTSD. And the more I read about research into C-PTSD the more I realised just how intricate and multi-faceted C-PTSD treatment needs to be for it to stand any chance of working in the long-term.<br />
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So I am currently reading textbooks aimed at therapists - the latest global research into C-PTSD as I increasingly realise that the only person who is going to fix this thing is me. An alternative would be to use a private therapist via SKYPE, perhaps based in the States which has always been a little more clued up on trauma treatment than the UK (similar to eating disorders!) So far I haven't found a UK therapist who can help.<br />
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What is so crazy, though, is that my condition isn't unusual. Whether it's childhood abuse, military combat or prolonged exposure to traumatic events (as with people like us, parents of children with eating disorders) there must be billions of people who suffer with C-PTSD. And yet so little has been done to research into treatment that works in the long-term, relying all too often on PTSD treatment which is the tip of the iceberg when it comes to C-PTSD.<br />
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Not only this but the sheer amount of money, both private and NHS, that's being wasted on ineffective treatment is astonishing.<br />
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But of course I'm well used to that, with my history of battling for evidence-based treatment for my son's eating disorder.<br />
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Does it surprise me?<br />
<br />
Does it hell. Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-52646084198488045232018-12-14T10:34:00.000+00:002019-01-21T10:47:36.719+00:00How's your year been?I am well aware that I've been absent for much of the past year as I continue to battle with PTSD, chronic anxiety and depression - so this post is just to say that I am still here, guys, and that if living with an eating disorder in the family for year on year has had a damaging effect on your mental health, you are not alone!<br />
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Christmas is a couple of weeks away and here in our household, the tree is up, but it remains undecorated. I just don't have the energy to do anything about it. No Christmas cards have been sent, no presents wrapped; indeed I've only bought a couple of gifts this Christmas - and my mum is taking my H and me out for Christmas lunch, so we're pretty much going through the festive season blindfold.<br />
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Ben is spending Christmas with his girlfriend and her family (he's been seeing her for over 6 months). He's the only person in our family who's embraced the Christmas spirit this year!<br />
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2018 has seen me spend yet more money on private therapy in a bid to sort out these crippling mental health problems followed by a couple of assessments with the NHS (the same therapists I saw a couple of years back).<br />
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Unfortunately no-one knows what to do, except to say they'll recommend an occupational therapist is engaged to help me adjust to "real life" again, something I've found very difficult. These days I get out of the house rarely. I visit my elderly mum, I go to the supermarket and, if the weather permits, I get out on my bike. And that's pretty much it.<br />
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Strangely enough, though, while most tasks are punishing difficult to do, I can sit and knit for hours! I have knitted tons of stuff!!<br />
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The therapists say they're stuck; they have no solutions. They have tried a range of therapies... psychotherapy, CBT and EMDR... yet I am still unwell. They say they "can't wave a magic wand" and that it is "really up to me now".<br />
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Ah yes, but as I responded to them: "I am a natural fixer; look at how I helped my son recover from anorexia. If I could fix this thing believe me I would have done it by now or at least be well on the road to doing it."<br />
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I guess if we could all fix our own mental health problems, it would save the NHS £zillions!<br />
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The consolations are that (a) my son is well again and living his life; he has a steady job and a girlfriend plus lots of friends; these days we scarcely see him which is GOOD NEWS compared to the days when he'd be sitting on our sofa every night watching the telly with us. And (b) to just know the reasons why I got to where I am today... By being too strong for too long in unbelievably terrifying circumstances, 24/7/365, hour on hour, day on day, month on month, year on year, refusing to give up and continuing to fight.<br />
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Just like so many of us who are parents of children battling with eating disorders. <br />
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Not surprisingly, as may also be the case with you, this has taken its toll on my own mental health which has been deteriorating for a few years now.<br />
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But, hey, here I am, writing a blog post when for many months just the thought of blogging again sent me into a cold sweat of sky-high anxiety and panic.<br />
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As I said, I am a fixer. I fix things. I bash away at the same problem until I find a workable solution (sorry if that sounds a bit Brexit-ish!!) and, slowly... very slowly, I am reading through a ton of scientific proof about how the brain reacts to sustained trauma, how it 'short-circuits' and re-moulds itself and how the hormones that deal with various things change. Genes also play a part; if you're raised by naturally anxious parents you're more likely to be anxious yourself. In other words, part of it is due to my biological makeup.<br />
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A bit like an eating disorder, really.<br />
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But it is so reassuring to know that it isn't me, that it's not because I "didn't recover quickly enough" or that I have caused this thing. I didn't choose to feel like this and I can't "snap out of it" or "cheer up". If only it were that easy.<br />
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So if you're struggling to do something as "simple" as decorating the Christmas tree or even getting out of bed and emptying the dishwasher or failing to change out of your PJs day on day, you are not alone.<br />
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It is not surprising that being the parent of a child battling something as frightening and serious as an eating disorder, for so long, messes up your own head or health in some way.<br />
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It would be a surprise if it didn't.Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-8197814229645902892018-09-04T11:24:00.003+01:002018-09-04T11:24:54.544+01:007 months on, I am still here guys...I've had a tricky 7 months since my last post. My son is fine, going from strength to strength, whereas my own mental health and PTSD has been going in the other direction and I've found it impossible to write about or face anything to do with eating disorders. I have also been referred for more therapy in an attempt to get my head sorted out and get rid of the effects of the years of trauma. In the meantime, I have started a companion blog. I've been meaning to do it for some time, but - like so many things at the moment - have found it too overwhelming. So I'm starting small, in bite size chunks. Just the odd thought that comes to mind - and, because cycling on my bike is about the only thing I can focus on these days, the focus of the blog is cycling to improve mental health. <a href="https://theptsdcyclist.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Check it out here</a>. But be warned... there's not much on it at the moment because I'm taking things slowly...Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-79942259713502820742018-02-09T17:43:00.001+00:002018-02-09T17:43:09.023+00:00I am still here, folks. Just needed a bit of time out from the world of eating disorders.Over the last month or so I've found it impossible to even so much as glance at anything to do with eating disorders let alone do anything useful and worthwhile. I even had to make my excuses to the January meeting of the Men Get Eating Disorders Too charity at which I am a Trustee. I seriously couldn't face anything to do with eating disorders. Nothing. Zilch. Zero. So that's why I've been keeping a bit (or a lot) of a low profile for the past few weeks.<br />
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I'm also seeing my therapist, Steve, again to try and tidy up the loose ends of the Chronic Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) although I am really not sure how much of the eating disorder related C-PTSD is still there. My therapist believes we've 'processed' most of it using EMDR but I'm not so sure.<br />
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I've also found myself in a pretty bad depression - the kind where it's difficult to get dressed or washed or put makeup on, although I've made myself do a lot of stuff over the past week and am sure I feel better for it.<br />
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It's such a wretched thing, isn't it? Eating disorders. Wretched for the individual suffering from the eating disorder and wretched for the parents or carers who have to go through it with them followed, in many cases, by some kind of PTSD as a result of the impact of sustained and extreme trauma on the brain. <br />
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But, anyway, that's why I haven't been around for a while.Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-46731714572232711252018-01-02T17:23:00.001+00:002018-01-02T17:23:05.789+00:00In 1993 the sheer enormity of the task I was about to undertake - impending motherhood - suddenly seamed impossibleIn the summer of 1993 I remember walking along the South-West coastal path in South Devon. I was six months pregnant and my emotions were all over the place. I remember sitting down on a bench overlooking the sea and bursting out into tears. The reason? Because the sheer responsibilities of impending motherhood had just hit me like a ton of bricks. Did I have what it would take to be a good or even reasonably good mother to the son or daughter inside me? Even an average mother? The sheer enormity of the task I was about to undertake suddenly seamed impossible. With my hormones all over the place, I burst into tears and couldn't stop.<br />
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This New Year's Eve that has just passed, I sat in our local pub with my husband, observing family groups enjoying an early-evening drink. A young father was holding his toddler, a little girl was playing with her Barbie-pink tablet and a new mother was discreetly breast-feeding her baby daughter.<br />
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Again, the enormity of the task of parenthood hit me. I could see the sheer love and care being lavished on these youngsters from parents who obviously wanted to 'get it right'. Ahead of each of these tiny human beings, these parents' much-loved children, there lay a whole lifetime.<br />
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I wondered what that lifetime would bring...<br />
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Back in 1993 when I was in tears by the sea I could never have imagined what we would end up facing some 16 years later in the summer of 2009 and subsequent summers. And autumns, winters and springs.<br />
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For us, parenthood brought with it a weight of responsibility that we could never have imagined in our wildest nightmares as the tiny baby that entered our lives in December 1993 went on to develop hideous anorexia nervosa 16 years later.<br />
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And I hoped and prayed that, for these young parents, enjoying a family get-together on New Year's Eve 2017, with 2018 just hours away, that their children would grow up happy and healthy, free of the many horrors that can come with adolescence - and as they get older.<br />
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My worry, back in 1993, was that I didn't have it in me to be a 'good mother', a task that seemed way, way beyond what I believed I was capable of doing.<br />
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But I hope that, in the years that followed and right up to the present day, I have proved to be a Good Mother. Or even a Great Mother.<br />
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But motherhood, as I came to know it during my son's teenage years and afterwards, was punishingly tough and there is no doubt that it has left me with scars as well as ageing and exhausting me.<br />
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As it has probably done to other parents reading this blog who are or have been battling with a son or daughter with an eating disorder.<br />
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Or worse.<br />
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For this first blog post of 2018, I wish all of my blog followers and readers an easier, more peaceful and generally better year than 2017 and / or preceding years.<br />
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And for those families from New Year's Eve, I wish for a happy, healthy future, free of all of the stuff that we have had to face as parents.Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-22133192319983785052017-12-29T13:52:00.001+00:002017-12-29T13:52:13.591+00:00When your concerns that your son or daughter is developing an eating disorder aren't being taken seriouslyThe thing is, we parents are unique. We know our son or daughter better than anyone else in the universe. We have lived with them since the day they were born, and for the nine months beforehand. We have watched them develop and change at every stage of their young lives. So if things start to go wrong and the alarm bells begin to ring inside our heads, our unique sixth sense picks up on it and we begin to worry.<br />
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Okay, some of us may not immediately recognise the early signs of an eating disorder like anorexia. Back in summer 2009, my husband and I didn't. At that time we didn't know that boys get eating disorders, just like girls.<br />
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But even so, as the weeks went on, we knew there was something seriously wrong with our son. As the weight loss and associated behaviours became worse, we began to Google the symptoms.<br />
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<i>'Anorexia' and / or 'eating disorder' came up every time.</i><br />
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The point is that, as parents, by the time we take our son or daughter to the GP, we may be pretty certain of what we are dealing with.<br />
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It may also become clear to us that the eating disorder has been germinating inside our child for some time.<br />
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This means that, by the time we take our child to see the GP, the eating disorder can be quite advanced.<br />
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Never forget that you can't tell if someone has an eating disorder just by looking at them. It's not as if our children don't develop anorexia until they are skeletal thin. The green shoots can sprout months or even years before they get to this stage.<br />
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Indeed it is possible to be seriously ill with anorexia and yet 'look relatively OK' to people who haven't known the child from birth.<br />
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As parents, no-one is better placed than us to recognise when something is seriously wrong with our child and, like any potentially deadly illness, we expect healthcare teams to take urgent action.<br />
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<i>Just as they would if we were visiting the GP with a worrying lump or bleed.</i><br />
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SO WHY ARE THERE STILL GPs AND EATING DISORDER TREATMENT TEAMS THAT AREN'T TAKING THE CLASSIC SIGNS SERIOUSLY?<br />
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Why are families <i>still</i> being sent away and children still being left to get even more entrenched in an illness than can and does kill?<br />
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Why are our concerns, as parents who have known and nurtured our child from birth, <i>still</i> not being taken seriously?<br />
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Why are GPs and other professionals <i>still</i> listening to our children but not to us when it's a recognised fact that many young people believe they are perfectly OK when they are, in fact, very sick indeed? Why are we <i>still</i> seen as 'helicopter parents' getting 'over anxious' over nothing? <br />
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Why are there <i>still</i> parents who have to virtually chain themselves to railings in order to get something done?<br />
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Why are parents <i>still</i> having to fight the medical profession at the same time as fighting for their child's life?<br />
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It is time that every medical professional from the GP upwards was thoroughly schooled in eating disorders and their treatment. <i>Evidence-based treatment</i> such as FBT, not older treatment models that have been proven to be less effective for many adolescents with anorexia.<br />
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Because until this happens, there are<i> still</i> going to be far too many young people who will slip through the net and end up in hospital on the end of a tube.<br />
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Or worse.<br />
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<br />Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-28088236152944846332017-12-28T14:16:00.001+00:002017-12-28T14:16:30.367+00:00Shaking hands with his old school teachers / rugby coachesLast year I didn't do anything on Christmas Eve; I was in the throes of a C-PTSD attack. But this year Ben and I actually made it to the annual carol service which is held in the school chapel every Christmas Eve. We've attended it every year since 2005 (except for last year and one year when it was cancelled due to snow), even through the eating disorder years. This year was the first time, since the terrible Christmas of 2009 (when Ben was roller coasting into anorexia), that I haven't felt triggered in some way.<br />
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We arrived just as the congregation was singing 'Hark the Herald Angels Sing' and squeezed into a pew beneath the upstairs balcony. On our left was Mr J, one of the Deputy Heads (now retired) and Ben's former rugby coach from one of the years before his eating disorder emerged. On our right was Mr H who'd been head of rugby back then and who was one of the first people to voice their concerns that something was very wrong with Ben.<br />
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By that time (Autumn 2009) Ben had lost a heck of a lot of weight and, as the eating disorder's vice-like grip got stronger, his behaviour began to get out of control. Amongst a long list of other distressing and out-of-character things, Ben had been seen in the school gym, exercising like a robot. Mr H and one of the other PE staff were getting increasingly worried which was why they had a word with Shirley, the school nurse, and why she called me in for a chat which resulted in my husband calling the GP and insisted on a referral for eating disorder treatment.<br />
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But, this Christmas Eve... 2017... here I was singing Christmas carols next to Ben who looked absolutely amazing and was in a Good Mood. I could see the two girls in the pew in front of us taking sneaky looks and I felt was a tremendous sense of pride at having such a good-looking son, not to mention a son who'd excelled academically at university and - MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL - a son who had kicked the anorexia out of his life.<br />
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Then, after the service, both rugby coaches came straight over to shake Ben's hand and ask how he was getting along. Mr H commented on how "very well" Ben looked. The contrast between the Ben of Christmas 2009 and - worse, due to the loss of even more weight - Christmas 2010 and this Christmas Eve was evident for all to see.<br />
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Meanwhile, I stood there, bursting with even more pride as Mr J instructed me to "make sure you bring him along every Christmas" and I replied with: "These days it's <i>him</i> who brings <i>me</i> along!"Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-21777171720977946302017-12-26T13:16:00.001+00:002017-12-27T10:22:31.690+00:00"Is today proving that I'm fully recovered from the eating disorder?" said Ben on Christmas Day"Is today proving that I'm fully recovered from the eating disorder?" said Ben yesterday (Christmas Day) evening. I gave him a massive hug in a response. Really and truly if you had been a fly on the wall yesterday, nothing in Ben's behaviour would have hinted at any history of anorexia. Ben enthusiastically devoured more than one helping of Christmas dinner followed by a couple of helpings of Christmas pudding, white sauce and Christmas ice cream - and continued to snack for the rest of the day.<br />
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And so I am not at all sure how this triggered my evening / nighttime panic attacks, but it may simply have been the fact that it was Christmas. Also we were celebrating Christmas at my sister's house which is where we spent Christmas Day in 2009, our first and worst Christmas with the eating disorder. So that may have acted as a trigger, too.<br />
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But the Good News is that Ben was absolutely fine - mood wise and food wise.Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-11246181074654719382017-12-26T13:06:00.002+00:002017-12-26T16:28:33.990+00:00'Twas the night after Christmas and all through Bev's head, everything was stirring and about to kick off big-style... Delayed PTSD panic attacks after Christmas.I know from experience that Christmas / the Holidays can be a tricky time for parents of young people with eating disorders and so I very much hope that the eating disorder didn't interfere too much with your festivities. I know how distressing it can be to watch the world going on around you, preparing for Christmas just like any other year, while, inside the house, the eating disorder is running riot. I was "there" at Christmas 2009, 2010, 2011 and, to some extent, 2012.<br />
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Following those years I've battled with my own demons at Christmas thanks to C-PTSD (Complex / Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). The worst C-PTSD Christmas attack was last year when I couldn't do anything. No cards, no carols, no Christmas Eve carol service and - if I hadn't made myself get out of bed and "just get on with it" - no Christmas Day. The <a href="https://anorexiaboyrecovery.blogspot.co.uk/2016/12/a-tricky-few-days-thanks-to-my-c-ptsd.html" target="_blank">2016 C-PTSD attack</a> took me by complete surprise and just goes to show how you can't always control what the body / brain needs to do.<br />
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So I was kind of surprised this Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to feel relatively OK. Not 100% OK but a million times better than last year. I listened to carols, I went to the Christmas Eve carol service and I survived Christmas Day.<br />
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<i>Until the evening...</i><br />
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And, worse still, <i>the night.</i><br />
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It was almost as if my brain needed to blow a fuse.<br />
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As if, unbeknown to me, it had been simmering away all day waiting to explode.<br />
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During the night I had a series of panic attacks - the sort that wake you up shouting or gasping. Some were so bad that I couldn't get back to sleep for some time afterwards. I felt truly traumatised.<br />
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As a result I am knackered today and ache all over. (And, no, I didn't overdo the festive vino on Christmas Day!!!)<br />
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So this morning I found myself Googling "delayed panic attacks", "delayed anxiety attacks", etc and discovered that this isn't unusual. It's as if the brain simply has to do its stuff at some point and so it does it at a time when the individual is most relaxed - at night. Or, even better, when they are asleep because in sleep there is no conscious or unconscious effort to suppress the anxiety.<br />
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Curious, that.<br />
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So if this has happened to you over the Christmas period, rest assured you are not alone.Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-64035030439837097912017-12-24T13:51:00.003+00:002017-12-24T14:36:05.916+00:00What a contrast to the solitary eating disorder years...Late yesterday evening we finally managed to pin Ben down to give him his birthday presents! Ben was 24 yesterday and had spent the past 24+ hours partying with his friends, both old and new. After dropping off the final friend at their house, he popped into the supermarket and returned with a feast of party food which we ate together in front of the fire and TV after handing Ben his birthday presents.<br />
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And this time, Ben had actually enjoyed himself!<br />
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What a contrast to the solitary eating disorder years...<br />
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I have photos of past birthdays and Christmases... 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012... Ben opening his presents alone without any plans to do anything except spend the day with the family.<br />
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So the contrast over the past couple of days has been massive.<br />
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And very positive.<br />
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I wish you all a peaceful, happy and eating disorder free Christmas.Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-81635766222714332112017-12-22T11:56:00.004+00:002017-12-23T00:14:16.467+00:00Mourning the "lost years"...Ben feels a deep, deep sadness at the way the anorexia stole so many years out of his life - and out of our lives, too. There's a real sense of mourning the "lost years": the years from 2009 onwards. He hates the way the eating disorder isolated him from his friends and all the fun things he could have done during those last three years at school. Although he still sees his old school friends on occasions (like tonight, for instance), it's nothing like it used to be, with Ben at the centre of things. He still feels that his friends treat him as "different" and he hates this.<br />
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In fact he hates the eating disorder with a vengeance.<br />
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He hates what it did to him.<br />
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He hates the way it destroyed so much of his life when things had been so promising.<br />
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He also hates the way society is so geared up to "the way you look", the body beautiful, the perfect physique and so on. Although society's obsession with body image doesn't <i>cause</i> eating disorders it can trigger weight loss as young people strive to be what they are not. But they <i>aren't</i> airbrushed perfect people. The world is full of beautifully "imperfect" bodies. Perfect bodies only happen in Photoshop.<br />
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Thankfully only a very small percentage of people who diet go on to develop an eating disorder because, it's believed, they are "predisposed" to developing the illness. In other words, it's down to the way their brains are "wired up".<br />
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And, as was demonstrated during World War II in <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-25782294" target="_blank">the famous Minnesota Starvation Experiment</a>, substantial weight loss and starvation can result in the brain beginning to behave strangely which is when the "textbook symptoms" of an eating disorder can emerge. <br />
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It was this social pressure to "look perfect" - the drive to get a six-pack and a beautiful body - that resulted in Ben, who had always been highly critical of himself, losing weight.<br />
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And then losing more.<br />
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Until he simply couldn't stop.<br />
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As I said to him yesterday, things might have been different if he had developed an eating disorder today, in 2017.<br />
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In our city, young people with eating disorders are (in theory) fast-tracked into The System much, much quicker. They also receive evidence-based Family Based Treatment (FBT). So if Ben had developed an eating disorder today (and we'd been aware of the symptoms), he might not have lost so many years to the anorexia.<br />
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But, as I also said to him, we can't change the past.<br />
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And, despite everything, there are Good Things that came out of the experience: Ben's fortitude and courage as he refused to let the eating disorder steal any more years from his life is a major example.<br />
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He fought and overcame an illness that can and does kill.<br />
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This mourning of the "lost years" is another reason why I don't believe that Ben is heading for an eating disorder relapse.<br />
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But, of course, I will always keep my eye on the ball "just in case"... Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-19233752209059899622017-12-22T10:45:00.003+00:002017-12-22T10:54:26.664+00:00"I should have been able to fix the anorexia" Ben said yesterdayI was just about to cancel Christmas due to the all-pervading sense of gloom in our household when Ben walked into the room and began to talk about what's been bothering him. Yes, he suffers from depression (we already know that and he's on a low dose of anti-depressants) and we also wonder whether he may have PTSD. After all, why wouldn't he suffer from it? He went through the prolonged trauma just like we did. However we've both decided to wait for an official diagnosis and then take it from there. He has agreed to do whatever is required to help him manage it, whether that's medication or therapy - or a combination of the two.<br />
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What was so sad, though, was that he feels responsible for the eating disorder. He feels that it was his fault that he didn't pick up on it and "snap out of it" during that summer of 2009 when the ugly green shoots began to emerge. He feels that he is to blame for all those "stolen years" from our family's lives and for "messing up" my head with PTSD and so on.<br />
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"You weren't to blame," I said, "You know eating disorders are a mental illness. It's the way your brain is 'wired up'. Genes are involved and you can't help your genes. It's like you can't help having blue eyes or freckles; they are part of your makeup. These things are PHYSICAL. The brain is PHYSICAL. Of course it is - it's part of the body.<br />
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"Or look at it this way... If you'd had a childhood illness, for example leukaemia, which meant having to put our lives on hold to support you through it, would you blame yourself for developing it? No, of course not, that would be crazy. The eating disorder was no different."<br />
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"But I should have been able to fix it when it started," he insisted.<br />
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"Ben, <i>none</i> of us knew what we were dealing with back then. We didn't know that boys get eating disorders. We didn't recognise the signs - signs which I now know are textbook symptoms of emerging anorexia, especially in boys. This is why I blog - to help other parents to recognise the signs. If you'd developed anorexia today, you'd have been diagnosed, referred and into treatment - <i>evidence-based</i> treatment - far, far faster. I really believe this. But none of us is to blame for this not happening back then."<br />
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This is just one of the topics that came up in our long (and hopefully fruitful) conversation yesterday and it's one of the reasons why I believe that the issues Ben is struggling with at the moment are not a relapse back into the eating disorder.<br />
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That, at least, is Good News and I feel a heck of a lot better for it.<br />
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And for our talk.Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-35883243463998592032017-12-20T16:12:00.003+00:002017-12-20T16:14:23.536+00:00Hopefully things will move in the right directionYesterday Ben self-referred himself to our local NHS mental health team - I'd told him that he needs to get properly and accurately diagnosed so that he can seek the right help, whether that's medication or therapy. Although, as I said before, there are still sticking points with Ben's reluctance to give up calorie counting and insistence on going for diet meals on the (rare) occasions we don't cook at home. But I do believe that he isn't going backwards as far as the eating disorder goes. I believe that the other mental health issues (Aspergers? PTSD? Bi-Polar?) are separate problems. Having said that, I am keeping my eye firmly on the ball.<br />
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These days Ben's weight is pretty OK and for the past four or five years he's been eating a very healthy balanced diet. It's just this calorie-counting sticking point and the fear of throwing caution to the wind as regards eating.<br />
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We had a chat about it all yesterday when he was in a better mood. I wanted to kick the wall when he began to quote his CAMHS psychiatrist, though. "She said this... she said that..." (about Weight Restoration) so, to him, her words are gospel...<br />
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Aaarrrgghh!!! <br />
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<br />Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-73361018340677061672017-12-19T12:36:00.002+00:002017-12-19T12:43:34.705+00:00The questions I don't have the answer to. Do you?What constitutes full and absolute recovery from an eating disorder? Can anyone ever fully recover from anorexia without the risk of relapse? How many "recovered" individuals still count calories and control their food intake, albeit while eating enough to put on weight and / or maintain? Can anyone ever lose the fear of "getting fat", especially if they continue to put on weight? Can anyone ever be shot of the so-called co-morbid mental health issues like depression, Aspergers, bi-polar and so on? Is there anyone on this planet who is completely symptom-free of any of these things? And, if so, is that what constitutes full recovery from anorexia? Should we never be talking about "recovery" from anorexia, rather "remission"?<br />
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I don't have the answer to any of these questions and I wonder if any of you do, because it's really tricky to know when something isn't OK and when it probably is OK - or at least the best we, as parents and carers, should ever expect.<br />
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Which takes us back to CAMHS' famous "we're happy to settle for 'good enough'" comment.<br />
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When should we parents be worried? Should we ever take our eyes off the ball? Are we going to be walking on eggshells and fraught with anxiety until our dying day? Will we continue to battle with issues of our own such as C-PTSD or whatever it is you want to call it?<br />
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Are our own battles with trauma-related issues untreatable because they may not ever be part of the past, rather part of the present and future. <br />
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I really, truly and honestly don't know.<br />
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In an ideal world, we'd be watching our 100% recovered, symptom-free, happy child skipping into the sunset, a marvellous fulfilled life in front of them.<br />
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But is this too much to expect? Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-62176803924714915342017-12-19T11:30:00.002+00:002017-12-19T11:32:46.574+00:00A bit of a tricky one, this...For so very long I claimed that my son was anything ranging from 95% to 99.99% recovered from the eating disorder that emerged in 2009, was treated between 2010 and 2012, and then self-managed from then onwards after discarding various private therapists. Or even that my son was / is "in remission".<br />
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The thing that was holding me back from saying 100% recovered was this insistence on counting calories every single day, opting for diet meals / products and a reluctance (but not refusal) to dine at restaurants which don't have an online calorie chart. Quite often he's gone for the salad option even if, on the positive side, that salad option usually appears to be quite weighty in calories.<br />
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I have challenged him about this several times and his response has always been that, by doing this, he can eat loads more food. In other words, he gets more food for the calories.<br />
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It's not that he's been cutting back on the calories; in fact he's put on weight. 5 kg at the last count.<br />
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He still has two breakfasts, lunch and dessert, evening meal and dessert plus snacking through the evening.<br />
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So he is eating enough.<br />
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But what he does appear to be doing is controlling that eating to ensure he doesn't eat "too much" for fear, presumably, of "getting fat".<br />
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It's a tricky one, this, because on the one hand you know he's getting enough food and eating healthily while on the other hand you know that he is controlling his intake.<br />
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This is why I've always felt nervous when claiming that my son is fully recovered from his eating disorder.<br />
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And, of course, none of this was helped by CAMHS permitting him to aim for a lower target weight because his interpretation of that is that it was the correct / healthy weight for him. Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-57258163312859733972017-12-19T11:10:00.001+00:002017-12-19T11:10:47.222+00:00Two meltdowns in one day...Ben was in a heck of a mood all of yesterday - a true 'downer'. The first meltdown was at lunchtime and the second in the evening. I didn't even mention the diet meal from the weekend until part-way through what ended up as a shouting match between him and me. He insisted the diet meal choice wasn't anything to do with any of this. (I'll put that into the 'pending' file inside my head for now as there's only so much I can deal with at once...)<br />
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Ben is already on anti-depressants and has been since the eating disorder treatment days. Now he believes he is suffering from a raft of different mental health problems which, in the end, we managed to boil down to just a couple of possibilities.<br />
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But whatever the problem is, or problems are, I continued to say that he needs to get a proper diagnosis followed by proper medication (if applicable) and therapy. I said that there's a limit to how many times we can be sympathetic if he isn't doing anything about it.<br />
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There was a ton of stuff came up which I can't even begin to blog about here and probably shouldn't for privacy reasons.<br />
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Suffice to say that I found it mega heart-breaking not to mention triggering. It was as if my head was screaming at me that it couldn't go through anything even vaguely resembling what we'd already been through in the eating disorder years. I had a huge impulse to flee. So I got in my car and just drove...<br />
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In the evening - this time with my H there - we had a similar "discussion".<br />
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Sadly he didn't enjoy his birthday weekend at all. He felt blank. Nothing. Zilch.<br />
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Anyway to cut a very long story short, as a starting point I told him to self-refer to the NHS for a diagnosis.<br />
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Watch this space to see if he does...<br />
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I don't believe he will opt for therapy. He has a real negative thing about therapists possibly as a result of a university therapist who was about as much use as a... well... who wasn't that brilliant.<br />
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Meanwhile, please can I fly off solo to a remote desert island somewhere and come back in the spring? Because I sure fire don't want to "do Christmas" this year. Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-11903949483423993792017-12-18T12:58:00.002+00:002017-12-18T12:58:15.913+00:00Good news / Bad news... why I've got mixed feelings this Monday morningFirst the Good News... Before the anorexia hijacked my son's life, Ben was at the centre of a fabulous circle of friends. Ben's birthday is in December and he'd get his friends round for a two-night sleepover with food and a cinema trip squeezed in between. It was a two-night event because Ben had so many friends that we simply couldn't get them all into his room. So half would come on the Friday night and swap with the other half for the Saturday night.<br />
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The final sleepover was just before Christmas 2009. At the time Ben was rollercoastering into anorexia and the sleepover was a disaster with Ben freaking out in the middle of the night, upsetting and frightening the whole household.<br />
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I prefer to remember Christmas 2008, 12 months earlier, when Ben held the final 'normal' birthday sleepover. This was the Christmas before we realised that anything was germinating inside Ben's head. The two-night sleepover was as riotous, fun and food-fuelled as ever.<br />
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Then came the eating disorder years - those years that robbed Ben of his friends and forced him to isolate himself, resulting in extreme social phobia, so much so that in early 2010 we had to remove him from school.<br />
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Ben never really got those friends back and it's only recently that he's begun to get back in touch with them again.<br />
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I remember Ben crying on his 18th birthday because it was just family. No friends, sleepovers, no parties, no trips to the cinema, no meals, nothing.<br />
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Although we tried to cheer him up with a weekend in Edinburgh, it was still a very depressing time, not to mention heartbreaking for us as parents.<br />
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As the eating disorder began to disappear, Ben began to make new friends and, this weekend, these friends came round for a sleepover followed by a cinema trip yesterday to see Star Wars.<br />
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It was just as riotous as the pre-eating disorder days and I should have been thrilled.<br />
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But I couldn't help noticing that, on the Saturday night, when the other boys sent out for pizza, Ben nipped up to the local Sainsbury's and returned with a diet meal.<br />
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While the others tucked into pizza, Ben tucked into a 'Be Good To Yourself' curry.<br />
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It is this incident that has remained with me since then.<br />
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Ben obviously still has anxiety about eating certain foods, especially when he doesn't know how many calories are in them.<br />
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It's left me feeling really low because why the heck, more than eight years since the eating disorder first emerged, is he still counting calories and avoiding certain foods? Why does he still go for diet foods? And why won't he talk to me about it when I challenge him?<br />
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I would hazard a guess that the answer lies in the fact that he weighed himself a month or so ago and told me he'd put on 5 kilos, taking him over and above the low weight which CAMHS insisted was right for him. He is still terrified of creeping over and above this weight even though, as a pre-eating-disorder teen, he was never ever that weight.<br />
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I would hazard a guess that this is what the problem is.<br />
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That, and Christmas looming, with all its food...Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7153163242529146660.post-48102170895568265972017-12-14T13:41:00.002+00:002017-12-14T13:44:05.726+00:00Is this blog actually of any use in the wider scheme of things, I wonder...Ever get the feeling that you are a tiny drop in a massive ocean? Yesterday, while I was trawling around the internet for the latest news on eating disorders, it suddenly hit me that - year upon year - we read reports about avoidable failures in eating disorder treatment, promised funding that never seems to materialise at grass roots level, failures of governments to take eating disorders seriously, media interest in eating disorders at times like Eating Disorders Awareness Week but at no other time, and - worst of all - deaths that should never have been allowed to happen.<br />
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Sometimes it seems as if nothing has changed and it's the same old merry-go-round year after year. And at times like these I really wonder whether minuscule activities like my blog are doing any good.<br />
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<i>I feel like a grain of sand in the Sahara.</i><br />
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I know that, in reality, it's a case of lots of tiny ripples adding up to a tsunami. None of us can Change The World as individuals, but we can do our tiny bit to help to raise awareness and create change. Collectively, I hope, this adds up to quite a lot.<br />
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But when I see the same old stuff being reported year after year... when I hear the same accounts of avoidable tragedies, lack of awareness and understanding, and terrified families facing situations that are beyond their wildest nightmares... I get so disheartened.<br />
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I have always said that the primary purpose of this blog is to help other families to identify the symptoms of eating disorders in boys and get prompt, evidence-based help. The other purpose is to help raise awareness of the fact that boys and men get eating disorders, just like girls and women.<br />
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And I know this blog has helped some families.<br />
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But it doesn't stop me from being disheartened on occasions and wondering if, after blogging here for seven years (since January 2011), I'm simply writing stuff that no-one will ever read - and that my activities are so tiny and minuscule that they couldn't possibly be of any use in the wider scheme of things.<br />
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<br />Bev Mattocks Osbornehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02353718855920959097noreply@blogger.com0