It's been something to do with the adjusting to our new life without the ED, or at least without 99.9 per cent of the ED. Suddenly it's as if we've emerged into the open sunlight after years of living in a dark underground pit. Or as if we've been released from jail and are having to adjust to life on 'the outside'. It's not easy. In fact it's quite a learning curve!
From my perspective, I am a different person from the woman that started off on this horrible and long journey - so it's not a straightforward case of picking up where I left off in the summer of 2009. I am a better person, a more relaxed person, a more empathetic person and a more insightful, less self-centered person. I am literally older and wiser! Also, having faced and fought the eating disorder head-on for so long, most of the things that fazed me before don't even come onto my radar now.
Also, the world has changed since mid 2009. We've been through a horrendous global recession and, in Europe, it seems to be getting worse, not better. Up to 2009, and even into 2010, my freelancing business was going from strength to strength. I'd built it from scratch and earned enough to send Ben to a fee paying school, shop till I dropped and go on fabulous Mediterranean holidays in luxury villas with pools, etc.
The recession and the eating disorder hit me at around the same time. In a way this is good, because both would have decimated my business on their own. So if the eating disorder had never struck, my business would still have suffered a near fatal blow - and vice versa. Also, my husband would still have lost his job and been out of work for several months, now working on a far lower salary. So our household income is now less than half what it used to be and meanwhile the cost of living has soared.
All this means that I am now in a position where I'm trying to adjust to a world and lifestyle that is very different from the one we used to have.
It's also meant some re-training so I can mold my business into something that's relevant to a recession-hit world.
Oh, and I've been doing the usual keeping tabs on Ben (from a discreet distance), with fortnightly CAMHS sessions. And I'm delighted to say that the treatment team and I are on the same page and things are going swimmingly.
Plus we've been busy sorting out Ben's university applications for next year - and Christmas is just around the corner.
This is why I haven't written for a while. But I will write because I believe we're going through an important stage in the recovery process and we are almost there!!