As far as the east is from the west...

Out of the blue on Sunday morning I found myself en route to the church I first went to almost two years ago (during the long wait for treatment for Ben's anorexia and while Ben himself was rapidly and dramatically falling off a cliff). I only went to that church for three months. Although I was crying out inside - no - SCREAMING inside for help in a way only a parent can, I found the people I met at that church didn't or just couldn't 'get it'.

Why recovery is like renovating a house

This thought came to me this morning. For us, recovery from anorexia is like renovating a house - one of those 'Help My House is Falling Down' type houses on that telly programme. It's been a heck of a job to get it looking anywhere near normal, not to mention all the essential and time-consuming structural work you've had to do behind the scenes.

Still adjusting to 'peace time'...

This week has been really weird for 2 reasons: (1) I feel as if we've definitely reached a watershed in terms of recovery and (2) this watershed is exactly one year on from when we reached our original watershed i.e. Ben completely turned a corner in terms of working with us towards recovery rather than against us.

Adjusting to 'peacetime' life after 2+ years of war

The closest I can get to describing how I've been feeling over the past week or so is this... It's kind of how it must have felt to civilians adjusting to life in peacetime after World War II. Suddenly the threat is gone: no air raids, no killing, no worries that Hitler will invade, etc etc. Yet for some people, I imagine, the adjustment to peacetime wasn't easy. Okay, so maybe I'm completely wrong, but I'm trying to find a parallel for how I feel at the moment.

Contract still valid?

That's what I was wondering, so I had a chat with Ben yesterday to see what he thought. I explained that we'd achieved so many of the things the contract had set out to do e.g. getting Ben out of 'limboland', ensuring he doesn't cheat on calories, easing him back into school, getting the exercise under control, putting on weight and doing daily challenges e.g. eating fear foods, etc. So, this far on in recovery, was the contract still valid?

Upper sixth form parents' evening last night

Two years ago Ben and I went to the fifth form parents' evening. It wasn't brilliant. Ben had been away from school for quite a while, unable to face anyone or anything, let alone a school full of teenagers. So going along to the 2009 parents' evening, two years ago, was a bit of a challenge - for both of us.

Making an inroad into my book

Phew, I am tired! Over the past few weeks I've been collating all the written information I've kept about Ben's journey into anorexia: around 24 months of info comprising forum posts, blogs, letters, notes, lists, emails, charts, etc etc.

It's 12 months since Ben turned a corner...

12 months ago Ben was sitting in front of our CAMHS team. For the first time since he'd started treatment eight months before, they came down like a tonne of bricks and insisted Ben increase his weight, starting immediately. The reason? The previous day Ben had collapsed at school and been rushed to hospital again with a dangerously low pulse rate... the second time this had happened in eight months.

Why I'm not putting all this behind me... yet.

While some parents may wish to put the whole eating disorder experience behind them and move on, for me it's always been different. Since late 2009 I've been making notes, writing forum entries and lately this blog, all with a view to putting this information to some kind of practical use in the future.

Tricky few days...

The last three days have been quite tricky. Sunday was the same as the previous Sunday in that Ben's mood hit rock bottom as Monday's school loomed ahead. He didn't sleep on Sunday or Monday nights, and on both Monday and Tuesday he phoned me at break time. On Monday I picked him up at lunch, but on Tuesday I persuaded him to stay for the full day. Oh, yeh, and on Monday night he and his dad had an almighty row...

Around the Dinner Table... literally!

On Friday evening Ben and I met up with another mum (and daughter) I've 'met' through the Around the Dinner Table forum (for parents of young people with eating disorders). We were joined later by another woman I've got to know through this circle, someone who has recovered from anorexia and who I've already met for coffee a couple of times.

Does your own internal voice chip in with this kind of thing on 'bad' days?

On Friday Ben claimed his insomnia was 'cured', after a reasonably good couple of days at school. His mood was up, too. But by Sunday it was back down again, just like last Sunday. And of course with it came the insomnia which meant that by this morning (Monday) Ben was in a hell of a mood. In fact the only words he said to me this morning as I took him to the school bus were "Shut up!" Better than "Shut the Eff up!" I guess...