Thursday, 30 June 2011

Anything for a simple life...

Thank goodness I can trust Ben to not only prepare his own food but also prepare and cook our evening meal, exactly as per the recipe with nothing 'omitted' and to successfully and accurately count his calories BECAUSE all hell has broken loose now my 89 year old Dad has finally been discharged from hospital. Aaaarrrgggghhh!

Monday, 27 June 2011

A friend talks about her experiences as a mom of a daughter with anorexia on WalesOnline

Helen is one of the many excellent friends I've made through the ATDT Forum (for parents of children and teenagers with eating disorders). Although I've never met her 'in the flesh', we've talked over the phone and internet many, many times, comparing notes on where our children are on the road to recovery from anorexia. And today someone pointed out this article where Helen and her daughter talk about their experience at WalesOnline.co.uk

More about the surreal world of being a parent of a teenager with anorexia

In the last blog entry I alluded to the surreal way we sat on the beach in France last summer. All around us families were going about a normal, enjoyable, fun day at the beach while we were in some kind of invisible, nightmarish 'bubble', cut off from the rest. This was how  it was for us for an entire year, reaching a nightmarish height last summer.

Sunday, 26 June 2011

Twinge of the green-eyed monster?

Okay, let's not beat around the bush. I admit it. Meeting an old gym friend today I felt a twinge of envy as she talked about her forthoming summer vacation in France - and it's the first time for donkeys' years that we haven't been to France, too. Why no French holiday? A combination of vastly reduced income and increased cost of living coupled with a reluctance to book another holiday after last July's disastrous trip to the Cognac region with Ed, the Eating Disorder Demon, in tow.

Friday, 24 June 2011

Yay, successful full day at school yesterday!

Actually he had no choice because I didn't have a car yesterday, so I couldn't have collected him early. When he got home he was fine. He'd managed his lunch (even if half of it was from Sainsbury's) and done a load of socialising and getting involved in activities. Also, he made up for any missing calories later in the evening. So a successful food day, too, at school. School dinners use to be one of my major worries!

Thursday, 23 June 2011

And here's another note I sent to the psych a couple of weeks earlier...

I wrote this on 12th June 2010 when Ben's weight was 58.9kg (today it is 55.5, 3kg lower). This was the period where Ben began to refuse to do the Eating Plan and I wasn't supported in continuing with it. Also, we all thought he was consuming 2400-2500 calories a day when in fact he was eating far less. That's because managing your own intake is a fantastic way to eat less while appearing to eat more (food in trash bin, 'guestimating' weights and portion sizes, etc etc). Passing over the food control to Ben started with his breakfast, hence the first line of this note...

More on one year ago today, here's the note I sent to the psych...

I've just found a copy of a note I sent to the psychiatrist one year ago following Ben's 'melt-down'...

Last night Ben had another serious breakdown similar to the 'roof' incident a couple of weeks ago. Yet again he went into that 'manic' state of mind where he has 'no emotions' and starts to talk in a deeper, slower, almost drugged kind of way, saying there's no reason to go on, his life is a total waste of time, etc.

Looking back yesterday on a year ago was "very useful"...

Truly, I feel the anger I felt in June 2010 when...

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

One year ago today...

One year ago today on June 22nd 1910 things weren't too good. There's also something about the sentiment of the following that's curiously familiar (where I start talking about CAMHS and gritted teeth)... I posted this thread on the ATDT Forum the next day. This is what it said...

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Old blog from May 2009 which shows the storm clouds were gathering...

Accidentally clicking onto my old local newspaper blog I found this entry following our spring half term vacation in Somerset. Read it and realise that, yes, the storm clouds were seriously gathering... and no-one realised!!! (The eating disorder began to manifest itself more clearly a couple of months later...) Just look what I've written near the end re. 'anorexic'! Aaarrrrggghhh!!!

Finding out what Ben thinks about it all...

I wanted to know what messages Ben has taken home from our recent treatment sessions as regards weight gain / weight restoration. With this came lots of positive stuff about the other ways the team has been supporting us over the past 16 months which, I agree, they have. This is reassuring because I wasn't entirely convinced our sessions were doing him any good as he always seems depressed, before, during and afterwards. However he does believe the team is happy for him to settle at a final weight which is "massively lower than what you and dad would like me to weigh".

16 months of treatment and how effective has it been?

As you know Ben has come on leaps and bounds on the behaviours / mood front over the past 8 months. He is also managing lots of 'fear foods' which used to freak him out. But I can't help thinking that the treatment has been a bit odd... In fact it's difficult to pinpoint exactly what form the treatment takes. Yes, our 2-person treatment team is brilliant at listening and asking questions. They're also great 'fire-fighters' in a crisis and very nice people, too. The psychiatrist's assistant in particular is very good at taking notes. At first I thought the purpose of this copious note taking was so they could go away, have a meeting and formulate a strategic plan of action. But 16 months on she's still taking notes. We've had loads of promises about the need to focus on this, that and the other, but - unless these things are like some kind of hidden machine working away in the background - I still haven't a clue what the Big Plan is...

Sunday, 19 June 2011

Pizza Express incident was due to ED-induced confusion

"OK, so let's do yesterday's points, Ben. First, I'm deducting 4 points for unacceptable behaviour last night. Also, I paid £10 for a pizza you didn't eat so I'm afraid that will have to come out of your points, too, because - as you know - the contract points are about moving us forwards and I believe last night was a step backwards." "No, it was nothing to do with anorexia," insisted Ben...

Just when I thought it was safe to go back into the water...

After 8+ months of relatively problem-free eating out, who should come along to our Father's Day Eve meal at Pizza Express last night but ED... and it wasn't unlike when it made a similar unwanted and distressing appearance at a country pub back in the winter and at Pizza Express the previous winter. And I have yet to work out how to deal with it...

Friday, 17 June 2011

OK, so how did the talent contest and the full school day go?

Well, he managed to do it all and he had his first school lunch for ages. However he chose to sit alone and went for Mediterranean veg "oozing with oil so I left some of it", pitta bread and fruit. Hmn. "I also had a problem sitting around all day doing nothing," he said. "And my performance at the contest wasn't my best to say the least." Actually I thought it was good and Ben seemed ultra-relaxed, but then he always does when he's up on stage singing.

Like last summer, something had to give before my brain imploded...

I have no idea how I managed to carry on 'business as usual' with my freelance copywriting during Ben's rapid descent into anorexia, but I did... in a way... until something just had to give, and it did... and I think it has again...

Thursday, 16 June 2011

Hoping to stay in school long enough for the inter-house talent contest...

Ben is a fantastic singer along the lines of Michael Buble and the last couple of years he's taken part in the school inter-house talent contest in aid of charity. In 2009 he came first and last year he came second which was amazing considering he hadn't been officially in school since the spring and found it really hard, if not impossible, to be amongst his peers. But there he was, standing up in front of the audience, singing away... And today, if he can manage to stay in school long enough, it's the 2011 Contest and I'm taking my mum along to watch.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Most definitely NOT your typical 'mama material'...

Until my mid 30s I vowed never to marry and definitely never to have kids. I was an independent 'career woman'. If that sounds impressive, it wasn't. I had a pretty checkered past with hideous teenage years where I messed up my school exams, ended up on a dead-end college course, changed friends, boyfriends, apartments and jobs in almost indecent quick succession and went through a particularly 'wild phase' in my 20s. By the time I was 30 I was a decade behind my more 'sensible' peers on every single front: maturity, career, relationships and kids. Then at 34 I got married and by 35 I was expecting Ben...

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

"What matters?" asked the website. This matters!!!!!

Someone from the church I used to go to emailed to invite me to upload a photo onto their new website in answer to the question: "What matters?" This is the photo I would like to upload, but probably shouldn't as it's far too personal and the 'uninitiated', as they say, just wouldn't 'get it' - because, as another boy who has anorexia who messaged me today said, people find it hard to 'get' anorexia in boys. Why this photo sums up "What matters?" to me is...

School and dabbing fat off Chorizo...

"Unless you hear otherwise, pick me up at lunchtime," he said this morning. "Any reason why?" I asked. "We don't have any lessons in the afternoon today." "Really?" "Well only RS and then we have two frees." "But you know," I responded, "it's not just about lessons, it's about all the other things that add up to being in school: social stuff, etc..." Anyway, we'll see what happens.

Monday, 13 June 2011

Frustrated but not in the least bit surprised...

... that I got a phone call from Ben at break time saying: "Can you come and pick me up at lunchtime?" So much for doing full school days from today onwards, but there you go... I knew he'd had a sleepless night but I wanted to check if there was anything else that was holding him back from doing a whole day - so when I picked him up, I asked him.

Testing the water next month with a short holiday...

Last summer, Ed the anorexia 'demon', stowed away on our holiday and ruined it. So this year, so far, we hadn't booked anything. Yesterday I tested the water by booking a week in a cottage in the Peak District in July on condition that, this time, we stick to the eating plan / calories. Last year, CAMHS encouraged us to "take a holiday" from calorie-counting and "just eat / act normally".

Sunday, 12 June 2011

Finding workable solutions to 'impossible' problems

One thing you quickly learn as the parent of a teenager with anorexia or another eating disorder is that the most obvious and logical solutions to problems aren't workable. For one thing, at what I call the High Anorexia stages, anorexia changes the mindset from normal logical to totally illogical and irrational. Anorexics will swear that black is white - and believe it. Logic tells you this is not true and never will be - so what do you do? That's just one of the 'impossible' problems you regularly get with anorexia...

Saturday, 11 June 2011

Updating the Contract to achieve new goals

The great thing about the anorexia recovery contract is that it can be updated whenever you need to focus on a particular problem area. I always ensure this is seen as a mutual thing and never seen as me, the parent, inflicting 'my will' on Ben. This is how we've agreed to update the contract  - and why...

Friday, 10 June 2011

Cleared things up with CAMHS re weight normalisation

It was just the psych at CAMHS today and I was able to clear things up about the weight restoration / normalisation levels. Contrary to what the assistant implied the other week, yes Ben does need to be a higher weight and BMI and, at this stage in the anorexia treatment, we'll be working on carefully juggling both the weight gain and cognitive stuff. So that's good news.  The bad news is that...

Thursday, 9 June 2011

Horrible ED rages from Feb 2010... how things have changed!!!!

I've just relocated the huge Ben-and-ED file I started back in 2010. In it is our first Eating Plan with comments on the reverse about his moods and behaviours. Here are some extracts (which show how far he has come on since then, thank God!!)

Acc. to the Maudsley and Prof. Treasure, he is still underweight...

Thanks a million to C. on the ATDT Forum for providing a link to the following chart from the Maudsley Clinic with my pink arrows and markings so you can see what I mean. (Yes I know I'm getting boring harping on about this topic, but I will fight tooth and nail to get him to a proper restored weight, probably somewhere between 62kg and 65kg, if I was to pick a couple of 'tramline' figures out of the ether...)

Sorry to harp on about why he's NOT Weight Restored yet, but...

Updating this weight chart says it all. It starts with our first CAMHS session in Feb 2010, misses a few months between Aug 2010 and March 2011 (I don't have the data), but you get an idea of how he's only HALF A KILO heavier now than he was last August and the same weight as he was at our second CAMHS appointment in Feb 2010. Oh, and he's taller now. No comment...

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

Spookily similar "WR" problem 14 months ago...

Interesting looking back at my ATDT threads from 14 months ago (29th May 2010) when, it appears from the chart I made back then, Ben's weight had increased to 59.3kg after the rapid initial weight gain (which was to go pear-shaped from the end of May onwards as Ben's weight plummeted off the bottom of my chart).

At his last scales session on 27th May 2011 Ben weighed 57kg which is 2+kg less than he weighed then. Here's an edit of what I wrote back then which, from what CAMHS were saying about the weight, rings some spookily topical bells...

Points being awarded thick and fast

We're into Week 12 of the Recovery Contract and it's still doing its job - and yesterday saw a massive 7 points awarded including the first Full Day at School (3 points) (yes I know he had to be there because he had 2 exams, but he still managed it perfectly OK). You see, one of the main issues about being in school for a full day is that ED, the Eating Disorder, taunts him for "sitting around doing nothing all day" when he "could be exercising".

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Top 20 Biggest Changes as a Mom in the last 9 months

Get set for the Top 20 Biggest Changes in my life over the past 9 months as the mom of a teenager successfully recovering from anorexia (in no particular order, as they're all wonderful!):

A normal school day?

As you know, Ben has been doing mornings-only at school since October. Today is the last AS Level exam day and he has two exams, one in the morning and the other in the afternoon which will mean him having to be in school all day. Not only will this mean quite a bit of free time between the end of the am and beginning of the pm exam (having to socialise), but it will also mean returning to SCHOOL DINNERS because, at Ben's school, pupils don't take pack lunches.

Monday, 6 June 2011

It's a year since the "roof" episode...

Just looking back to where we were one year ago and I notice it was the "roof" episode... Ben was at his lowest, mood-wise. He couldn't face school or his friends. He was about to sit his GCSE exams alone so he wouldn't freak out or freak his peers out. He was resisting recovery (to say the least) and his eating disorder was RAGING and so was he...

Okay, I'm getting too bogged down with "numbers"...

I'm getting too bogged down with numbers and have already received a friendly "ticking off" from one of my dear friends on the ATDT Forum (who I can always rely on to "call a spade a spade" as we say up North; in fact I might just award her Honorary Northerner Status!) What I should be looking at primarily are the massive changes and improvements in Ben and the fact that his behaviours and thinking have literally transformed over the past year.

Saturday, 4 June 2011

Again, mixed feelings but generally happy with the result

We had a meeting with the pscyh yesterday. She is incredibly skilled at being diplomatic and subtle - and also digging us out of a hole without actually appearing to be doing so. I'm not saying she was 100% for us and contradicting the Assistant from last week, but she took elements of each, explained them in more detail to Ben and worked with us on coming up with a workable solution which Ben was able to handle without freaking out.

Friday, 3 June 2011

Impressed with Ben's perseverance

Despite feeling grotty and losing his appetite, I have been incredibly impressed by the way Ben is ploughing on with the usual eating regime. So much so that I gave him extra 'points' on our Contract yesterday. So far he hasn't been sick, etc so what's going in is staying there. Fingers crossed things won't get worse...

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Keeping the bugs at bay...

It's just what we could do without in our household... H has got a tummy bug and I'm dreading Ben catching it. This is one of the reasons why it's SO not OK for Ben to remain at his current weight without going any higher. I know from having talked to other ED parents, all it can take is just one sickness and diarrhea bug and - ping! - their child is back in the land of the unhealthy weight range or even lower.

Another article from Sarah Ravin which is particularly useful...

It's "Reason 1" of the very excellent Dr Sarah Ravin's article which is relevant to our current situation plus "Reason 6", followed by "Reason 7". See "Reason 1" in more detail here - or click on the link>>