Sunday 5 February 2012

"I'm fine as I am!"

I am still gently pushing for extra weight gain so Ben has a 'buffer zone' should he be prevented from eating his 2400-2500 daily calories for whatever reason (e.g. 'freshers flu' at uni, etc) - and also because I really, really want him to get back to the size he was before the eating disorder hit. Yet Ben is less than enthusiastic...

These last few kilos are never easy and there is the temptation to say "OK, you've done well, that's good enough" etc. But why settle for 'good enough' when you can have 'excellent'? Also why settle for anything that could put him at risk of a relapse, should his weight drop significantly for any reason?

But getting him to buy into the idea is proving very hard. And I feel incredibly frustrated at the little bit of the ED that is obviously still present, making him scared of weighing a little more, making him feel "fine" as he is and kidding him that he is bigger than he actually is.

"If you think I'M thin, mum...." he said the other day, referring to some bloke on the telly who was slim, but not as slim as he is. But he couldn't see that.

Every time we go to CAMHS we plan what Ben will do, calories-wise, depending on the scales outcome. I am trying to push for increased calories if his weight is maintaining, without success.

Sure, I could sneak extra calories into meals. But that would result in him cutting back when he finds his weight has gone up, so it's counter productive.

1 comment:

  1. As an eating disordered person I understand how it is really difficult when people want you back at the weight you were at before the illness struck. For it goes like this "Why would I want to be back at that weight? I was miserable at that weight and that's what started this to begin with. I don't want to GO BACK." At my worst my mom did say "Okay fine, you can just get to the minimum and stay there, I don't care!"Which stuck with me for a while, but then she quickly took it back and got me more angry when my goal weight was put to my pre-ED weight/ when I got my period back. Of course boys don't have that indicator. I don't think having a "goal weight" is a good idea at times, or in the least a limiting one. More like, letting the weight rise to a healthy level with a constant in calories, never restrictive. I have been eating well, consistently, and though I still have problems with compulsive exercise, my weight has risen and I do look healthier,though I have many times a day when I wish I could be at a lower weight and KEEP it there. That is the thing; that if you have to try and keep your weight low, it is not natural. If Ben is counting and such to keep his weight where it is then it does not seem okay. For me, I found that an exchange system of foods helped to break out the rigidity of calorie counting. At first I hated it because it was less exact and made me fearful of the calories and opt for the ones with less calories, but now it makes things less stressful. When I need to eat, I think okay; 2-3 starch, 3-4 protein, 1 dairy, 2 vegetable, 1-2 fat. and of course if I can't necessarily fit that in exactly everything is generally substitutible with another food group (except vegetables) I wish you good luck in helping your son!