Another doom & gloom CAMHS session

Another reason why it's probably not a bad thing to be leaving CAMHS is that the past few sessions have succeeded in bringing Ben's mood down to rock-bottom levels. They have also given the bit of ED that remains the chance to 'slang off Big Bad Mom' to the psychiatrist. "SHE told me blah....", "SHE always says blah..." and "SHE's only saying that to because you're here", etc. Boy, that ED sure knows how to hurt a mother. But, then, that's its job just as it's mine to sit there and take it.


But, hey, I'm well used to being used as a punch bag after all this time. Today, I wanted to punch ED's eyes out when it reared its filthy head with a classic reaction after the scales showed that Ben's weight had maintained rather than dropped.

Why did this make ED see red? Not because Ben WANTED his weight to drop, surely? No, I believe he didn't at this stage.

It was because, over the last two weeks, Ben has been doing quite a bit of 'guestimating' of calories. He's been out for at least 3 meals where he's had to guess the approx calorie content. He was convinced he'd over estimated the calories and thus would find he'd lost weight today - especially when he said he'd been "doing all that exercise as well"...

But the scales said he'd maintained - and I could feel the ED shrieking at him that, if he was worried he'd UNDERDONE it, to find out he'd actually guaged it exactly right, then he was in serious danger of putting on weight and becoming a complete obese blob if he continued to 'guestimate'. Unless he actively reduced his intake on guestimation days...

Oh b*gger, said my anti-ED voice, especially as Ben's mood continued to plummet southwards during the remainder of the CAMHS session: hating himself, feeling worthless, feeling isolated & lonely, etc etc. And this mood continued all the way to school where I dropped a silent Ben off for lessons and drove home, wondering whether ED would try to punish him further by persuading him not to eat lunch...

Mind you, it's typical of ED. Just when you think you're getting somewhere, ED sticks its oar in and messes things up for a while. Hopefully only a short while...

Next week it's our final CAMHS session.

It's such a crying shame that, at this late stage, Ben STILL fears the sheer havoc that a couple of extra kilos would wreak to his body and being. He is obviously still petrified of gaining even the slightest bit of weight, despite the psychiatrist saying over and over again that this WILL happen, because weight maintenance is never going to be an 'exact science'.

I still firmly believe that the ED will leap in with its Siren-like persuasiveness should Ben's weight increase by half a kg or whatever. I worry that it will throw Ben into a frenzy of fear and worry, and that he will actively try to lose that tiny amount of weight again.

On the other hand, historically over the past few months I've found that, the further we get from our last CAMHS session the more relaxed Ben seems to be - and the more likely he is to listen to me.

So, like I said above, it's not a bad thing that we're leaving CAMHS next week.

But, like some of my friends have commented on my last entry, I could still use a bit of Good Quality professional support...