It was one heart-breaking experience after another culminating, on arrival at at our hired villa, an Almighty meltdown which resulted in my husband in tears threatening to return to the UK the following day. And so it went on... meltdowns... shouting... suicide threats...
Oh yes, the eating disorder was a well and truly present stowaway on our holiday / vacation in France the past 2 weeks... Result = XX weight loss on top of the XXkg weight loss the previous week.
We only had 3 threats of "ending it all" plus several complete emotional "meltdowns" and generally cutting back on food, refusing ice creams, treats, etc and doing compulsive exercising plus not being able to cope with travelling days when he was "doing nothing" (i.e. hadn't earned the "right to eat") - and meals out were an absolute nightmare. It was as if every single eating disorder trait had waited for our holiday, deluging us with the eating disorder at its nastiest and most vicious.
With normal holidays, you leave stressful things like work, etc behind. With the eating disorder you take it all with you. While the sun is shining and all around you are having fun, you're in a horribly surreal parallel world.
My stress levels were stratospheric...
No more holidays until the eating disorder is well and truly gone.
And...
At the last count, CAMHS was talking about only needing to see Ben once a MONTH from now onwards because he'd made such smashing progress. Needless to say we will be disputing that decision...
Good news is that, so far, fingers crossed, Ben has slipped back into the eating regime without too much fuss (after unsuccessfully trying to negotiate meal changes with me repeating "Come back to me when you're weight restored and you can make some meal choices, but not until then".)
We have a lot of weight to put back on as, apart from 2 weeks of weight gain, he has lost weight consistently since mid April!!!!!!!!!!!!! So much for CAMHS' "once a month" decision, hey... goodness only knows why she came to that conclusion....
Shocking, when you realise he's been losing weight for so long!!!!!
And...
Back on the straight-and-narrow eating plan worked so well yesterday until he found out he almost had XXX cals too many because I'd overlooked some earlier food. He went absolutely ballistic (as if he'd have metamorphosed into Billy Bunter overnight if that had happened), screamed that he couldn't live here any more, started packing his bags and we had to hoover up the house keys to stop him leaving home.
What on earth do you do in these situations? Continuous flying-off-the-handle threats of doing himself in and / or leaving home at the slightest thing.
So last night was yet another 2am dressing-gown-and-cuppa for me because I couldn't sleep - worried sick. Charlotte I would call you but he's around and would hear...
Have left a message for our psychiatrist to call me...
And...
Psychiatrist always says that nothing can be done unless he actively "does something"... and she insists he isn't clinically depressed and won't insist on anti-depressants (says he has to agree to take them and he won't). Our hands are tied and it is so frustrating - and terrifying.
And...
He is refusing point blank to "play ball" and just screams at me to "B*gger or f*ck off", saying the only reason he's still at home is because his dad told him he had to stay (my husband threatened to dial 999 if he left with his bags). Son won't talk to me unless it's screaming. It's as if he hates me.
Unfortunately his BMI is too high for hospital admission and it would take some weeks of weight loss for him to get there but this is the way I feel it is heading and it breaks my heart.
Meanwhile I'm cancelling work and all appointments or visits anywhere because I can't leave him for a moment.I daren't.
How will we ever get to mental recovery / weight restoration?
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