I've been looking back on some notes I kept as a record of what was going on in the lead up to Christmas 2009.
Ben's emerging eating disorder had begun to be evident during that summer and by autumn, I was desperately trying to get him diagnosed with anorexia and referred for eating disorder treatment. Everyone was noticing the marked difference in Ben - from family through to school teachers.
I'm wondering if any of these symptoms and behaviours ring a bell with you, if you're worried your son might be developing an eating disorder? That's why I've decided to publish this document. It's quite lengthy, so this is Part One.
From my Notes.docx file (Part One):
October 2009
By October (2009), Ben was getting very thin. He’d grown from being a strapping rugby forward into a thin, gaunt, pale teenager who was well below the minimum weight for his build and height.
On my birthday in mid-October, we went for a Chinese meal. Ben refused to have a starter and sat watching us miserably. He then picked at his main course, complaining that it was “too salty” and “swimming in fat”. This was the first time we’d seen the eating disorder behaviour in public and it was disturbing.
It got to the stage where we couldn’t eat normally as a family. Ben was policing the fridge and everything I cooked. He’d scour recipe books for zero fat recipes. Anything containing oils, butter or cheese was off bounds. He also reduced his carbs intake to virtually nothing. So, in effect, all he was really eating was protein, fruit and salad.
Meanwhile at school he told me later that he’d also cut down his lunches down to just salad and fruit.
The anorexia meant he felt compelled to eat his meals at certain times and eat the food in a certain order.
He would insist on making his own breakfast and lunch because if I made either, my version wouldn't be as perfect and precise as his, and the anorexia would make him freak out. And if his own meals fell short of the perfect mark in any way, he would also go crazy.
I’d always been a keen cook and liked nothing better than to see my family enthusiastically tuck into healthy, balanced meals. My repertoire was enormous. But with the anorexia it reduced to a few meagre recipes I knew wouldn’t set Ben off. I’d thumb through recipe books discarding 9 out of 10 recipes as being unsuitable: too much fat, cheese, pastry or whatever. The result was that I started to hate cooking. I wasn’t cooking what I wanted to cook nor what I felt I should be cooking. And my stress levels would be sky-high as I put it onto the table wondering what Ben’s reaction would be.
Also at this time, Ben couldn't bear any interruptions to mealtimes, for example if visitors came round or if I wasn't sitting with him. The slightest problem would cause him to go crazy.
Whenever he ate he felt compelled to frantically exercising to burn off the food. He’d frequently look at himself in the mirror, hating what he saw, and claiming that the rolls of skin on his stomach when he sat down were fat.
All we were seeing was an almost skeletal, gaunt, pale, ill-looking boy. Everyone from the family commented on the change.
My sister emailed me to say she “noticed he was too thin for his build and mum said he looked very pale the other day when you went round”.
Anorexia had taken over our son and our family. And anorexia isn't just about eating; it's about a stack of other symptoms - like depression, panic, zero self-esteem, etc. I don't just mean feeling a bit 'down' now and again, I mean deep, dark depression and self-hatred. I mean banging your head against the wall, or thumping your fists against your skull, throwing things around and animal screaming kind of depression.
By the end of the month my sister was emailing me to say how “We both noticed how thin and ill he looked last night, seems to have changed even from your birthday”.
By November, Ben’s behaviour had changed so dramatically the school nurse became involved. I also decided it was time to come clean and tell other staff about the eating disorder. I got in touch with the Head of Year 11 (the 5th form) and explained that we believed Ben was developing an eating disorder and to be aware that he may start to behave unusually.
Mr H said that the sports staff had commented on his severe loss of weight. From Number 3 in the rugby team, they’d moved him to the less demanding Number 8 and were now questioning whether he should be playing rugby at all.
Other staff had noticed him ‘punishing himself’ in the school gym and on cross country.
By now the outbursts were becoming more and more frequent and we were desperate. Two to four times a day we’d have violent destructive outbursts with loud screaming and tearful hysterics. To me it looked as if he was having a complete mental breakdown. He’d throw food around, become violent and crash his head against the wall. He was virtually unable to go to school and had cut himself off from his friends completely.
[end of part one - see next post for part two]
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