Sunday 13 May 2012

Temporary implosion has resulted in a duvet day for Batty...

It's not been a good week inside Batty's head. Thankfully Ben's eating disorder has only been a very small part of it. But all week long I've been anxious and on edge, unable to concentrate, unable to write my blog properly, unable to sleep and - today - unable to get out of bed.

After all that's been going on over the past (almost) 3 years, I'm no stranger to 'implosions' like this. What usually happens is that everything that's been going on comes to a head and my brain kind of says "No more!!!", explodes and shuts down for a day.

Then, the following day, I get up and carry on as near normal as dammit.

In the days of High Anorexia it was a zillion times worse and today's implosion is a mere ripple compared to the time when, after umpteen distressing anorexia-fuelled texts froms Ben at school, I smashed an entire dinner set, plate by plate - CRASH!!! - on the kitchen floor before collapsing in the corner in a blubbering heap of tears.

Then the next day, as we eating disorder mums have to do, I got up and carried on.

A few weeks later it was my hairbrush that was smashed to smitherenes when I hurled it across the spare bedroom. Then, desperate to smash something else, I threw a mirror on the floor. Finally I went into the living room and kicked a waste paper bin into the wall, leaving a permanent dent in the plaster.

If you're the parent of a young person with anorexia or another eating disorder you probably have your own 'implosion' stories to tell. Those occasions when everything gets too much and you break down in a way that, if in public, would surely prompt 'the men in white coats' to carry you off and lock you in a padded room.

This weekend's 'implosion' wasn't because of the eating disorder, although Ben's struggles to rid himself of the 'anorexia demon' have played a part in getting me super-stressed this week.

Really, it's been an undercurrent of various things that have been bubbling under the surface. The result is that I've slept badly (H says that one night I sat bolt upright in bed shouting "NOOOOO!") which has left me feeling wretched during the daytime.

And even when I did sleep, I felt anxious, unable to focus or concentrate, or feel any joy or motivation.

The final touch paper was lit when I picked up an email late last night on my mobile to say that a very dear friend of mine is seriously ill, and I mean seriously ill. I'd half been expecting to get such an email but when it came I just... well... imploded.

Ben rushed into my bedroom with "What's wrong? I heard you crying? You always come and hug me when I'm crying so I came to give you a hug because you're crying".

Dear Ben.

Implosions always leave me feeling completely sucked dry of any energy or any motivation to do anything at all.

So I stayed in bed.

But I should be OK tomorrow.


  1. I hope the duvet day works and that you not only get up and carry on tomorrow but feel up to it.

  2. I feel your pain - I have implosions and thought, initially, I really was a mad hatter of sorts. Duvet day's are good; I call them mental health days (well, I heard it called that so adopt the stance when need be).

    I am grateful you have blogged this so the rest of us dealing with an ED in our lives can feel we are not alone in our 'implosions'. I know you will be ok tomorrow and I am sorry for the pain of the news of your friend's illness and my prayers are with you both. Good you are taking such care and giving space to the pain.

    Again, thank you for sharing and I'm pulling my duvet over me now and looking forward to a better day tomorrow just for you x :-)