London in the early 1980s...

Back to my story. I think if I hadn't been "saved" by getting in with the new crowd at school, just before the upper sixth form in 1976, and by the PHAB group, any disordered eating might have got worse. I know I did have to work pretty hard at maintaining my new low weight over the next few years and I know that, especially at uni, I avoided certain social situations where food was involved. I always felt guilty when I ate too much and always hated myself when I put on a bit of weight. There was a problem in the last two years at uni, too.

Batty is on a guilt trip...

I know that parents don't "cause" their child's eating disorder and we shouldn't feel guilty about it. But, as I am discovering at the moment as I write up those early stages when I was trekking with Ben to see our GP, I can't help but feel guilty.

The grey period at the start of Ben's anorexia...

If you've seen my Tweets you'll see I'm having problems describing the "grey period" in my book: the months between when the penny eventually dropped that, yes, Ben was developing anorexia to early 2010 when I first discovered the ATDT forum (when, of course, all my thoughts are documented for me to refer to in the forum archive).

Becoming a "swan", but at some cost???

The therapist I saw in early 1976, aged 17, was under the impression that I was too self-focused and needed taking out of myself. Being with people less fortunate than (relatively affluent, middle-class) me might make me snap out of this introspection. So she suggested I join the local PHAB group.

Let's talk a bit about my own problems with food...

Someone posted a link to this article today which talks about the way eating disorders are believed to have a genetic link i.e. if you, the parent, have had an eating disorder then there's a far higher chance your child may be genetically predisposed to developing an eating disorder too. So let's talk about me this time...

I can't stop being excited about uni...

Anyone would think it was me going away to a jam packed full week of freshers' events at uni in a couple of weeks' time. I wish it was. Beach parties, film shows, tea parties, chocolate tasting, wine tasting, scuba diving, Buddhist meditation, mask making, quizzes, radio DJ-ing, ghost tours, treasure hunts... I want to do it all! And, thankfully, so does a socially-starved Ben. Blimey if he doesn't make some great friends within that first week I'll eat my hat!

Forgive me father for I have sinned...

Today is the second session of reading aloud some of the chapters in my draft book so Ben can correct me on anything I've got wrong and also provide a fresh insight into what was going on in his head at the time. (His choice - after all, as he said, "I'll be reading it anyway so I want to be sure you've got things right". He immediately picked up on the following section which refers to the early days of his anorexia in November 2009:

Where were we approx 18 months ago?

This is the question someone asked me yesterday - another mum of a teenage boy with anorexia whose recovery isn't as far advanced as Ben's. She also asked me why it was that everything seemed to be falling into place so quickly for us at the moment, mainly in regard to Ben's socialising which - as you will know - is something that's been a massive problem over the past years. I am sure she won't mind me giving you a version of my reply to her...

At last - back in his social circle

Surprisingly Ben didn't have a hangover this morning after L's BBQ last night where he consumed vast quantities of cider from 5pm onwards before phoning me at 11pm for a lift home, too drunk to go onto the nightclub some of them were planning to go to. It was a happy but very tipsy Ben that sat in my car on the way home, feet on the dashboard, stinking of booze and chatting away about the fantastic evening he'd had.

He got his place at Uni!!!

So Ben's place at university has been confirmed - his first choice, a straight "yes" decision from the Uni. I have been jumping up and down and screeching with delight like a deranged toddler. I think Ben is pleased - the trouble is, his mind is still slightly numbed from the leftovers of the anorexia. It's something he's had a problem with over the past three years: the inability to feel positive emotion in the way most other people would, especially at such an important and excellent result.

An ED-free holiday, and now for the next stage...

We've just returned from two weeks holiday in the south west - a completely ED-free holiday, I am pleased to say - and, following today's weigh-in, Ben hasn't lost any weight. Great stuff. And now for the next stage, which is all about...

Officially on holiday, but had to show you this...

The Matty family is on holiday in the Forest of Dean, but I had to show you this. Apparently this blog is up in the top 18 eating disorder blogs of 2012, according to Healthline.com (click through to page 10 to read their review). It's great to know that people are finding this blog useful! More blog posts when we get back from holiday.