The benefit of hindsight... how I wish I could help the 'me' of 2010...

Continuing to take a look back at my ATDT forum posts from when I first joined the community... Throughout March 2010 I am still having problems with getting CAMHS to realise that Ben's eating disorder is as serious as it is. The CAMHS team comprises a psychiatrist, a nursing specialist and a dietician who we see every so often but never at the same time as the psych and nurse. I am having real problems convincing them that Ben is seriously sick. He has lost around one quarter of his pre-anorexia weight; he used to be a big, burly rugby player - a 'forward' - before the eating disorder struck and, by March 2010, he's a shadow of his former self. And, at the end of January 2010, his pulse plummeted to 29, which I understand is a pretty dangerous level. Yet CAMHS appear to be happy with Ben's 'progress'...

... And I had another meltdown last night with B bashing his fist on the plate so all the food went everywhere followed by 5ft 3 inches me trying to physically restrain all 5ft 7 inches of him from breaking down the door and flying out into the street, me confiscating the house keys and barring the living room doorway... (My husband doesn't get back until late evening as he commutes 100 miles to work and back.)

The strain is taking its toll. This morning, after a particularly bad start, I got a call from my husband (on the motorway on his long commute) saying he'd just driven into a large truck at 70 mph and written off his car, lucky to come out of it alive... He'd been so wound up about the situation at home that he wasn't concentrating...

This afternoon we have a brief session at CAMHS for a weigh-in with the nurse. As you know, the psych is on holiday and we don't see her for another fortnight, not having seen her for the previous fortnight (4 weeks without the psych in total... and the nurse will be on hol next week, so we're on our own completely from this evening).

All we get when we voice our concerns to the nurse is the infuriating nodding of head sympathetically, you know, that kind of counselling where they just agree with you rather than taking proper action. Basically she has said she has to go with the psych's decision on everything... and at the last count the psych felt that fortnightly sessions would be appropriate now rather than weekly (!!!!!!!!) now that B has arrived just within the 'healthy' weight range.

I can't for the life of me see how an hour's CBT-ish session with the psych every so often will cure B of this terrible thing. I feel as if we're stuck with it forever, not knowing if we're getting the right kind of help or not... I have NO IDEA if we're getting the help we need or need or not, really I don't, and there doesn't seem to be any way I can gauge whether or not we are...

Knowing what I know now, how I wish I could go back in time and be there to help the 'me' of early 2010 and fight for the need for sustained, regular treatment for Ben, focusing on weight-gain first and foremost through a balanced diet and insisting that CAMHS back me in getting Ben back to his pre-anorexia weight.

Next Friday I'm speaking at the National Carers Conference in Eating Disorders at the The Institute of Psychiatry, London. I plan to round off my talk with 'my biggest regret' and 'our biggest success'.

Guess what my biggest regret was?