Monday 17 February 2014

It's difficult being a mum...

... says Bev in the Understatement of the Century! This morning, en route to the railway station with Ben, I was thinking about it, wondering whether it'd be better to love less or not to love at all than to love a lot and care.

But then I decided that I'd far rather be a caring, loving, concerned, worrying mum than someone who didn't have the capacity for love or who focused their energies on other stuff.

This, even though I really have had enough of worrying about Ben. I really could do with a break. I really could do with things finally working out well for Ben on the university social front so he will look back on his university years as fun and enjoyable.

I know he is finding it punishingly hard. But I also know that he is persevering. He did have the option to take another Leave of Absence for 12 months, to sort things out, but he decided against this. We have been looking at other options to make university easier for Ben, including transferring to our local university, but unfortunately this is probably not feasible. Not unless he takes Year 1 again. And with university fees at £9,000 a year, no-one would want to do that unless there simply wasn't any option.

On the 'plus' side, Ben's new friendship group here in Leeds is going from strength to strength. He sees these guys every weekend and I can't tell you how wonderful it is to hear the noise and  laughter of teenage boys in our house again after all these years of solitude.

And, because Ben is still coming home every weekend, there is no reason on this planet why this new friendship shouldn't blossom and grow.

It's just the week days that need sorting out. But the Good News is that Ben is continuing to go out socially, to clubs and societies, and is continuing to meet people who, fingers crossed, may one day turn into friends.

I just wish I could stop worrying about him, because I know how very depressed he gets.

But the other Good News is that his weight is continuing to creep up, so the continuing teething troubles at university don't seem to be triggering the eating disorder. And, when you think about it, this is Seriously Good News and proof that his recovery is strong.

Gah, I hate anxiety.

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