This week I have felt sooooo much better. I am feeling again. I have more motivation. I just feel free, like I've pushed my way out of a dark room and into the spring sunlight. I've done things I've found impossible to do over the past months: I've blogged, I've agreed to go away on a long weekend break with my husband (rather than heading for the safety of the back bedroom!), I've done some cooking, I've even made big inroads into reigniting my freelancing business after not being able to face work for months. I've also felt calmer, deep down inside which is where it's so important - the place where I was constantly anxious and on 'red alert'. My sleep has been more refreshing. Yes, I've still had nightmares unfortunately and I am still shouting in my sleep, but we're talking small steps, and this week has definitely been a move in the right direction.
I attribute it to the excellent therapy I've been having from my NHS EMDR therapist, supported by the two books I talked about in my last blog post. Plus, of course, the good friends who rushed in to assist when I put out a cry for help the other week.
I see the period where my son was suffering from anorexia (7 years in all if you count the years I've been struggling with PTSD) as a definite watershed in my life. There was a 'before' and there will be an 'after'. I am not the same person. Not at all. And I'm not journeying through the 'after' with the same friends as I did in the 'before'.
Yesterday I took a car-load of stuff to the charity shop and the council tip - some of it part of the life I no longer live, stuff that isn't part of my future (including loads of clothes I'll never be able to get into again now that I am no longer a serial dieter).
The act of clearing out is a Big Step, too, as it's something that would have seemed 'too big' until very recently.
But there IS part of the 'old me' that I want to be part of the 'new me' and that's the 'me' that wakes up in the morning full of drive and enthusiasm, wanting to rush to the computer to blog about something, whether it's my business blog or this eating disorders blog.
And that is the 'me' that woke up this morning!
It's a major miracle!