This morning sees the final two A Level exams. Worse, because of a timetable / exam boards clash, they're back-to-back, which means three solid hours of writing about Religious Studies and then Politics. As predicted, Ben's insomnia kicked in - KERPOW! - overnight. Result? He was a total zombie this morning...
I keep telling him and telling myself that it doesn't matter. Of course everything might work out fine... the gallon of strong coffee he drank for breakfast might kick in and he might cope brilliantly. Or by some fluke (aided by the various Disrupted Studies & Special Consideration forms) he'll get his university place anyway.
But he can always re-sit the exams next year at his leisure.
As I have said before, it might turn out to be the best thing that could happen what with another year to focus on full recovery, at home, before going away to university.
But let's not think about 'Plan B' just yet. Let's wait until the August results come through and meanwhile work on Ben so he doesn't beat himself up so much if he doesn't make the grades.
"Be thankful we're not pushy parents", I reminded him the other day. "We're not pushy at all! It doesn't matter a jot to us what results you get. We know you will have done your best under the circumstances - circumstances which are out of your control and not your fault."
But I know he will beat himself up about it, because he feels driven to achieve perfection and will feel like he's let himself down, big style.
It's so frustrating know you have an extremely bright child who should easily get straight A's across the board - and who, under normal circumstances, is predicted to get straight A's.
But who, because of the lasting effects of the anorexia, may not.
Meanwhile I am completely zombie-ish, too. At the moment I'm going through an ultra-anxious phase where every night is fraught with really horrible nightmares - the sort where you end up shouting in your sleep. Last night was no exception as my anxiety levels go sky high. Everyday this week I've felt zombie-ish.
Why? Well there's Ben and his exams plus the uncertainty of what will happen over the next 12 months. Then there's my 85 year old mum who's on her way to Europe right now for her first vacation for years and her first without my dad. Also, she's sold her house and had an offer accepted on a flat - so it's going to be all systems go over the next few weeks. She's lived in that house since the day they got married.
I'm still getting over the death of my friend S, and my dad. And, for some unknown reason, my confidence levels have taken a dive, work-wise, which is completely irrational. Probably because, when I feel zombie-ish and my mind's on other things I can't work properly.
Want to sleeeeeeeep!