This time we're talking about me. Four years ago round about now I began to feel a bit strange - kind of numb and dissociated from what was going on around me. Eventually this was diagnosed as Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). Anyway, as you may know, I've been receiving various therapies, private and NHS, and am currently undergoing EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) which aims to 'process' some of the most troubling elements of the trauma. The element we've been focusing on most recently is the anger I feel / felt at how long it took for my son to be diagnosed with anorexia (see last-but-one post as to why he was never formally diagnosed with anorexia) and the various obstacles along my way e.g. GP, CAMHS waiting list (potentially up to 6 months, hence the tenuous title of this blog), etc. Suffice to say that although the anger will never go (of course it won't, it's only natural!), it should be a little easier for me to deal with now and here's why...
Self blame. I don't blame myself as much for not pushing harder to get my son diagnosed and into effective treatment for his eating disorder during those dark days of autumn / winter 2009 when he was 15. I did the best I could given what I knew at the time. I was new to eating disorders. It had only recently dawned on me that boys get eating disorders too. While battling with the medical professionals, I was going through a massive learning curve, cramming up on everything to do with eating disorders while gradually realising that there wasn't a 'one-size-fits-all' treatment. Plus, there was precious little out there about boys with eating disorders. And, for the whole of October, I was virtually horizontal with a debilitating inner ear virus. The EMDR has helped me to realise that I was not to blame for the length of time it took to get my son in front of CAMHS.
People in authority are right. Wrong! I was brought up to believe that people in authority are RIGHT and that I, as an ordinary human being, am WRONG. This black-and-white assumption is incorrect. I might be 'just a mum' (albeit a graduate businesswoman), but as I ploughed on through the eating disorder learning curve (unfortunately I wasn't to come across the brilliant FEAST website and ATDT forum until later) I actually began to know more about eating disorders than our GP and other people who were implying that my son's case wasn't urgent.
For me it was vital that I do this - my son's life was at stake. So if I had to cram round the clock, I was prepared to do it in order to get an understanding of this horrific and potentially deadly illness. And, if the NHS wasn't going to do anything about my son, then I damn well was. The alternative was too terrifying to think about...
Today - 7 years later - I know a heck of a lot about eating disorders and effective evidence-based treatment, especially when it comes to boys with eating disorders. Just because I don't have a medical qualification it doesn't mean that I'm not an expert on eating disorders. The EMDR therapy instilled in me that I am an equal, not 'just a mum' and that people in authority are not always right.
Trusting my gut instinct. I have realised that my instinct as a parent is the most important thing of all. I know my child better than anyone else.
My gut instinct was telling me that my son was getting sick and becoming worse by the day. The EMDR therapy has helped me to 'big up' this instinct by visualising myself as 10-feet tall and the GP as tiny. There I am (in the visualisation) towering above the GP, stating my case loud and clear. Beside me (in the visualisation) is the school nurse - the first medical professional that really 'got it' and who remained my #1 support from the medical profession throughout the eating disorder. In my visualisation she is there to reinforce what I am saying because, during EMDR, I still found it difficult to visualise myself as an equal ('just a mum') to the GP ('authority'). As a result of the EMDR I feel much stronger as a person.
However... this processing isn't complete.
The problem is, as I will be telling my therapist this week, my raw anger has moved on to what took place during those first months at CAMHS....
Looking for information on eating disorders in boys? Worried that your son has an eating disorder? How can you tell if a boy has an eating disorder? In 2009 my 15-year-old son developed anorexia. Now, aged 28, he is recovered & studying psychology in order to help others. This blog tells the story of my son's recovery from anorexia as well as raising awareness of eating disorders in boys.
No comments:
Post a Comment