Some very difficult juggling to do this week...

So, as you'll have gathered, I am keen for us to move onto the next stage of recovery from the anorexia. This in itself is going to take careful juggling of - still being supportive / loving / helpful while introducing a bit of a 'tough love' / no compromise element. If I don't, then he risks staying in a 'comfort zone' rut. It's far easier for the eating disorder to keep away from school and friends at comfortable 'safe' home. It's also far easier for the eating disorder to continue to be very selfish, looking inside instead of outside. So I am carefully nudging him out of both of these comfort zones...


Since the Autumn, Ben has been going to school in the mornings only. 2 or 3 mornings he doesn't make it at all due to the insomnia problem, yet  increasingly he is 'recovering' by mid morning and definitely by the afternoon. Because school is much easier for him these days (note, I didn't say 'easy', I just said 'easier'...) I have agreed with Ben and school that he will go into school EVERY day if possible. By this I mean, mornings only for the time being, but on days when he doesn't sleep, I'll take him in later for half the morning - or the afternoon. What's more, I'll take him in BEFORE lessons i.e. at break time to allow him to socialise. From this we will build up to some trial full days.

I have also agreed with school that Ben's friends will be a little more vigilant in keeping him with them at break times and in free periods to avoid the temptation to 'go for a walk round the grounds' (read 'go for a run / exercise') like he did yesterday.

In a normal world, this plan would be reasonably simple to put into action, but in the world of the eating disorder, it's jam-packed full of hurdles and potholes...

First, there's the insomnia which still needs addressing...

Then there's Ben's mood which has been below par for a few weeks as a result of knowing he's in a rut and feeling unable to move on...

Then there's the BIG ISSUE of compulsive exercise which is still well and truly a problem. It is the primary reason why Ben can't do full days at school - because he sees school as 'sitting around doing nothing' and still can't handle this. He feels compelled to move around and simply can't sit still and concentrate for long.

And there's the other BIG ISSUE of the 24/7 thoughts buzzing round his head all the time - thoughts about food. He can't stop thinking about food.

Plus, advising him on how to handle peers who talk about food all the time. (If he was a girl, it would probably be about how to handle peers who talk about dieting all the time or whatever...) He finds this particularly difficult.

So the juggling is not as straightforward as it might seem and is a massive challenge for all of us.

But, like last time round when I instinctively knew we had to move on and out of a rut (at the end of last summer), I have to find a way to do it. Basically, we don't have a choice. It's 'do' or stay ill. (Last summer it was more of a case of 'do or die'... or at least it felt like that, with Ben's threats of suicide...)

Oh, and my husband has just found out that the temporary job he got when he was made redundant from his main job a few weeks ago is finishing at the end of the week.

So he really will be out of work.

Which means my juggling has just got a little bit more complicated...

Aaaaaaggggghhhh!