Ben's been cooking some scrumptuous evening meals for us recently. That is, until tonight's meal which turned out dry and 'average'. So he took our plates back into the kitchen to make a few adjustments, leaving me at the dinner table for 5 minutes. Suddenly I was hit by a painful and dramatic flashback to how it would have been 12 months ago...
Back then, any meal that wasn't 'perfect' would have had Ben violently 'downing tools' and leaving the room, only he wouldn't have gone into the kitchen, he'd have slammed the plate down, rushed into the hallway and shouted and screamed animal-style while banging his head on the wall. This would have been followed by lots more banging, crashing and swearing plus more animal shouting / groaning and head banging...
Meanwhile I'd be sitting at the dining table paralysed with fear and dread of what was coming next...
It's (not) funny how your memory causes flashbacks and you suddenly feel how you felt in a previous situation. Maybe it's a bit like soldiers who have painful flashbacks when they hear something that sounds like an explosion or a gun firing. Suddenly you're back there, re-living it, and all the bad memories, feelings and reactions come flooding back. I was also painfully aware of how the passage of time had de-sensitised my everyday memory of just how terrible it had been.
Looking out of the window watching a neighbour water her plants while another walked her dog, I had another flashback to the realisation that - while the rest of the world was going on around us as normal - we had been living with a severe mental illness, in a kind of nightmarish surreal world completely separate from everyone and everything else.
Thankfully tonight all Ben had been doing was adjusting the meal. He simply came back into the dining room, calm and normal, armed with 2 plates of 'tweaked' lamb tangine. But while I ate it I was still having mental aftershocks despite the fact that, to all intents and purposes, everything was completely normal.
Oh, and 12 months ago Ben wouldn't have touched 'fatty' lamb with a bargepole...
Looking for information on eating disorders in boys? Worried that your son has an eating disorder? How can you tell if a boy has an eating disorder? In 2009 my 15-year-old son developed anorexia. Now, aged 28, he is recovered & studying psychology in order to help others. This blog tells the story of my son's recovery from anorexia as well as raising awareness of eating disorders in boys.
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