Oh how I can feel the desperation, fear and helplessness I felt back then!! A post from 23rd June 2010 on the ATDT parents' forum.

This truly was the start of the hellish summer of 2010. My 16-year old son Ben was sliding downhill in both weight and mood. I felt increasingly gagged by CAMHS and under instructions to take a back seat, to not talk about food and to focus on things that were "helpful" to Ben instead.

It seemed as if it was very much Ben, CAMHS and the eating disorder versus me. The triangulation continued with my husband who was also taking sides. And much of this in-fighting was done in front of Ben. The eating disorder loved it!!

"De da de da de da... ED still going strong..." - a post from 14th June 2010 on the ATDT parents' forum.

By this point I was getting tired - as can be seen from the following thread which I posted on the Around The Dinner Table Forum. I'd arrived at the not-so-ideal stage of bribery and threats, mainly because I simply didn't know what to do. Sometimes I felt CAMHS was on my side while at other times I felt as if it was the CAMHS team, my son and the eating disorder ganging up against me.

Keeping your child safe when they're a danger to themselves

I wish I could say that when my son was under the control of the professionals (GP, CAMHS, the local hospital, etc) that I trusted them implicitly to keep him safe. But various things happened along the line that removed this trust. Then the other month I heard the tragic news about a friend's daughter who had been under the care of the professionals for her eating disorder yet had managed to take her own life. This week the media has been full of the equally tragic news of 15-year-old Pippa McManus (coincidentally a friend of a friend) who, just five days from being released from The Priory, threw herself under a train.

The urgent letter I emailed to CAMHS that morning

In an ideal world, I'd have picked up the phone first thing in the morning and talked to the CAMHS eating disorder treatment team. But we weren't allowed to call them direct; we had to send emails and hope that they'd get passed on. So I sent the following email and called the CAMHS receptionist with the urgent instruction to make sure our psychiatrist saw it right away. Thankfully she did and later that day we were sitting in front of her, as described in my previous blog post.

What happened that night...

On the 3rd June 2010 I posted on the Around The Dinner Table Forum (for parents of young people with eating disorders). The subject was that the dietetic support had been withdrawn (from my son's eating disorder treatment) and you can read what I said in yesterday's blog post. That evening... or, rather, at some unearthly hour the following morning... I posted on the forum again. I was distraught because of what had happened earlier that night.

"Dietitian axed from our CAMHS team" - a post from 3rd June 2010 on the ATDT parents' forum.

So, back in spring 2010, there we were with this triangulation going on - the dietitian appearing to say one thing and the rest of the CAMHS team saying another. Then on 3rd June I got a shock. Our CAMHS dietitian announced she'd been axed from the service. I burst out into tears in front of her! And when I got home I posted on the Around The Dinner Table Forum (before writing letters of complaint to the NHS Commissioners who were unsympathetic).

Update on how the C-PTSD therapy is coming along (and Ben)

As you may know, I'm currently undergoing (private) Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy for the C-PTSD annoyance. So far, Steve, my therapist has been brilliant and everything is progressing OK. Generally I feel a lot better. The key word here is feel because, for so very many months (over a year... or longer!) I couldn't actually feel anything at all. It was as if my brain was numbed and I was simply going through the motions of just about everything in life that involves feelings (stunning walks by the sea, cycling in the beautiful countryside, being with friends and loved ones...). At the same time I was in panic mode, on a kind of 'red alert', which is sort of odd when coupled with numb feelings, but that's PTSD for you.