Ben's major worry, ever since he began treatment for his eating disorder, three (yes, three!) years ago has been that his weight risked spiralling out of control. When the scales showed a slight gain (because it was never more than a slight gain), that heralded the start of the "spiralling". He risked going up, up, up and away into the upper stratospheres of obesity.
But, of course, this has never happened.
Not in three long years.
Sure, during those years Ben himself changed dramatically.
He went from heavily resisting treatment and help, and plummeting even further down the rabbit hole, to eventually turning a corner in the autumn of 2010 when - following the second admission to the cardio ward and CAMHS' threat to hospitalise him - he began to work with us, not against us.
He went from eating a massively unbalanced and unhealthy diet to eating an incredibly healthy, fully balanced diet. His skin tone improved, he lost the dark rings around his eyes and he gained some flesh around his bones. He had more energy and his mood improved. He felt better and the eating disorder rages and behaviours gradually began to fade away, surfacing occasionally, but - thankfully - only occasionally.
The only problem with this healthy balanced diet was that there was never enough of it.
Not really. Not in my opinion.
But Ben was happy because he felt in control. He still had this morbid fear of his weight going up and up, spiralling out of control. And he still does.
Yet, really and honestly, his weight isn't much different from what it was three years ago.
Especially today when the scales showed he's back down to what he was just after Christmas when he lost 2kg.
To be honest, I am sick and tired of this battle to get the evidence into Ben's head that there's as much chance of his weight spiralling out of control as there is of me becoming President of the United States. I have spent three years battling with this (not counting the months in the lead-up to CAMHS treatment when former rugby playing Ben lost one quarter of his original bodyweight).
I am sick and tired of being the "dolphin" who carefully suggests increasing his calories so this lost weight creeps on at a rate that - oh horror of horrors! - he can "cope" with. This is all we ever heard at CAMHS. Ben needs to increase at a weight he can "cope" with. Otherwise who knows what may happen.
Well, I'll be damned, his average weekly weight increase over the entire 110 weeks he was with CAMHS was... as Batty checks back at her diaries from 2010-2012... drum roll...
A great big fat ZERO.
And... cue another drum roll... his average weekly weight increase between then and now has been...
Another great big fat ZERO.
Yes, I know that, during his 110 weeks with CAMHS his weight went up and down - and for six months it went EVEN LOWER, heading towards in-patient admission levels - but the fact is that he weighed the same when he left CAMHS as he did at the start.
And he is still that weight today.
I am so very, very, very weary and sick and tired of trying to gently push this weight up... of quoting all the science and stuff... of sitting him in front of one of the UK's top ED dieticians who also quotes all the science and stuff... of saying that we agreed in the new 2012 Contract that he would increase... of encouraging him to increase his calories significantly... because, Goddamnit, his weight is NOT going to spiral out of control.
And yet he still pretty much maintains.
"I want to see some serious weight gain over the next week," I practically barked at him this morning. "I want to see at least 2 kilos on you by Saturday."
He promised to increase his calories.
I've heard that so many times before.
I just feel as if I'm banging my head against a brick wall in the week that he assured everyone that he didn't need any further help because he is managing just fine by himself.
His head is okay, thankfully. His mood is okay, thankfully. It's just that he finds it impossible to gain weight, remain at that weight and then gain some more. Until he reaches his natural set weight, whatever that weight is.