Saturday 22 December 2012

What about Batty, though? What's going on?

Another reason I've found it so hard to complete my book in the way I would like is because, for the past couple of months, I've feel really weird. I've felt kind of numb, almost as if I'm observing life from a distance rather than being part of it. The build-up to Christmas has felt really strange, almost as if it isn't happening. It's felt like one massive effort to do anything and "get in the mood". Why do I think this is?

It could be because I'm still on the Fluoxetine and I know that, before, it made me feel a bit numb. So maybe it's time to wean myself off it. And yet at the same time I've been incredibly anxious. I keep having to tell myself to "Stop it!" whenever I feel the spiral of panic about to spring off in my head. What am I panicking about? Last weekend, obviously, I had a reason to panic. But, on the whole, I should be feeling pretty okay. Yet I'm not feeling "low" in the conventional sense. Just numb. Just "going through the motions" like a machine.

As a result I'm finding it difficult to write. My emotions, my feelings, my passion... all the stuff I put into my older blog entries which becomes clear to me as I re-read them... it's gone curiously AWOL. It's not because I don't want to write; I do. It's because I'm so very, very numb that I can't.

And I'm tired.

Most nights I'm having nightmares. More often than not I'll wake my H up by shouting something in my sleep and moaning and groaning.

These nightmares usually take the form of either finding myself in the old family home (which mum sold and moved out of in the summer), realising I shouldn't be there and having to explain my presence to the new owners. Or suddenly realising my dad's on his way home and he'll find that we've sold the house and disposed of a load of stuff. Or the new occupants are making structural changes (which they are) and - horror! - what will dad think when he finds out!? Plus finding it difficult to handle all of this, because it was my family home for the whole of my life. A kind of anchor that I no longer have, exacerbated by dad's death this year. Even though dad could be really irritating, he was still an "anchor". He was always there, no matter what.

Recently I'm finding it very hard to relax. I can't sit down and read. If I do, I'm doing nervous / anxious things like biting my nails (disgusting!) or twisting my hair. It's as if I'm on permanent red alert. Yet at the same time I feel completely numb.

Thank God my sister is doing Christmas Day this year because I wouldn't be able to get my head round organising Christmas Dinner and Day. This is really strange because, normally, I'm the one that goes mad at Christmas with all the sparkling lights, decorations, music, treats, food, etc etc etc...

The best way to describe it is that my brain feels like my old laptop. I'd press the "on" switch and it'd whir a bit, ready to boot up, and then just fizzle out to nothing. That's how I feel.

I am completely numb.

I do hope it's only temporary...


  1. You've had a pretty tough year, and Christmas is a really big trigger for these sorts of things - not that it helps to be reminded of that, of course! Those nightmares sound so vivid - it must be really draining. Really hope Christmas is a chance to take a break and recharge that laptop. All the best for the holidays. JM

    1. Thank you for your lovely comment, Juliesmum. My good wishes of the season to you, too. xx