Frustrated but not in the least bit surprised...

... that I got a phone call from Ben at break time saying: "Can you come and pick me up at lunchtime?" So much for doing full school days from today onwards, but there you go... I knew he'd had a sleepless night but I wanted to check if there was anything else that was holding him back from doing a whole day - so when I picked him up, I asked him.


"It's a number of things," he said. "Today has been a really hard day. For a start I had a bit of a lonely morning. Then I saw the lunch menu and there was nothing on it I could really have."

"Why, what was on it?"

"Spaghetti carbonara and chicken kievs," he said. "And I couldn't handle the girls in history lesson talking about slimming down for their summer hols. All I heard was constant talk about cutting back on meals, bikinis, flab, stuff like that, and it was too much for me."

"So how will you come to terms with listening to girls talking about things like that? After all, I guess most girls talk about that kind of thing at this time of year, so you will have to get used to it."

He's mentioned that kind of thing before and it's another roadblock we need to overcome.

Undeterred, I stuck my oar out and added: "Do you feel able to go over calories today?" [because we agreed he would try to go over as much as possible in order to get back the lost weight].

"No," he said, which is exactly what he said yesterday and the day before too. "There are just too many pressures going on at the moment. All the above stuff plus loads of challenge foods and every meal this week is a challenge meal."

So I risked upsetting ED by pushing out the oar again and saying: "But you know you not only need to gain the 1.5kg you've lost but also get back on target. So, in a way, you need to gain more than 1.5kg over the next fortnight."

"I only lost the 1.5kg because I was ill; no other reason," he insisted.

B*gger, I thought.

Of course I wanted to scream: "You're bl**dy skinny! You could eat fish and chips 5 times a day every day for a week and you will wouldn't put on much weight, let alone blob out into Billy Bunter! Why can't you blooming well see this? We've been with this bl**dy thing now for so long you'd think you'd at least be able to realise that, yes, you can eat what the heck you like and, indeed, you DO need to eat what the heck you like or we'll be at this skin-and-bones weight forever!!!!"

But of course I kept silent.

Which is why, this afternoon, I was in one of my 'jittery' frames of mind when I can't focus on anything and feel anger and frustration bubbling up inside me - anger at the anorexia for continuing to steal my son's life when he's been ill for nearly 2 years.

Frustration at CAMHS for letting him stay at this low weight - now a lower weight than he was at the start of the CAMHS treatment back in February 2010 - and for not insisting, like Evidence-Based Treatment does, that Weight  Restoration takes precedence, that psychological treatment without such emphasis on Weight Restoration simply prolongs the illness and that recovering from anorexia isn't something the sufferer can 'choose' to do 'when they feel ready'.

Then I felt more anger at CAMHS for messing it all up a few weeks ago by letting Ben believe that he was 'Weight Restored' which, of course, Ed latched onto immediately, possibly taking it as a cue to put on the brakes.

So I had a moan to my mum who said: "Do you really need CAMHS?"

"Well, yes, it has its uses."

"What are those uses?"

"Er... not sure...."

ED, CAMHS or whatever; I just wanted to vent my anger / frustration at something today for showing that there are still so many issues we need to overcome before Ben recovers.
 
Oh well, tomorrow is another day... another bash at trying to stay in school for a full day...