Last night Ben had another serious breakdown similar to the 'roof' incident a couple of weeks ago. Yet again he went into that 'manic' state of mind where he has 'no emotions' and starts to talk in a deeper, slower, almost drugged kind of way, saying there's no reason to go on, his life is a total waste of time, etc.
Ben started the descent at teatime (in response to being gently encouraged to eat more than the 2,000 calories per day he's been eating and which is probably responsible for his recent weight loss).
Initially I was alerted by his friend's mum who called to say she was very concerned because Ben had sent her son an email saying: "Give me 3 good reasons why I should live." I immediately confronted Ben about it and things spiraled downwards after that – seriously downwards.
My husband is working away this week so it was just me on my own and none of my friends was available to come round.
Ben refused to go to A&E and the Emergency Doctor didn't sound as if he was going to be much use. It didn't warrant a 999 call, thankfully…
But it was very serious and Ben said he's always thinking about suicide only he doesn't have the courage to do it. Or, as I said last time, it will happen as a result of some action taken simply because he's lost all his emotions and doesn't give a damn about what happens.
I worry that one day he WILL find the courage to do it. And as his mood deteriorates as his weight goes down, I strongly believe something terrible will happen.
He says he's permanently depressed and the times when he seems OK he's just pretending. It's all fake and not real. The 'real' Ben is this depressed, broken down mess.
This is a risk we can't ignore – and, as his mother, I certainly can't ignore it. Something urgent needs to be done.
Thank God he came out of that nightmarish phase!