June 23, 2010
CJB and a few others will know what I mean when I say we had another night like the one we had a couple of weeks ago (think "roof"). Only this time my husband is working away so it's just me... No roof, but an email from Ben to a friend which was distressing enough to have the friend's mum call me urgently to warn me something wasn't right...
This resulted THE MOST TERRIBLE NIGHT with the eating disorder at its most "magnificent" and "satanic". Me, on the phone to the emergency doctor asking for advice, but ben refusing to go to A&E (ER) to see the psychiatric team.
Husband phoned half way through and tried to talk to Ben to bring him out of his mood, then I took the phone and H started to blame me for these ED moods because apparently everything would be easy going and run smoothly if it wasn't for me "going on about food", so they only happen because of me. And he's banned me from talking to my "cronies on that ATDT forum" because "what do they know? All situations are individual and everything they say goes against all the professional advice" (i.e. our psych's advice).
So I'm banned from mentioning food ("How do we treat an eating disorder and not mention food?" I asked) He just wants to let Ben carry on as he is. If he gets bad enough to be admitted as an inpatient, then so be it, let the professionals deal with it because "they know what they are doing and you obviously don't!"
I ended up hanging up on him as it was blame, blame, blame... and now every time we have one of these eating disorder fits, he's going to blame me.
In the end Ben went to bed in a fake relaxed mood (undercurrent still there...) - the anorexia no doubt jubilant at the fact I was surrounded, General Custer Style, enemies around me, all fighting on the side of the eating disorder.
I am in an impossible situation. Today I'll try again to get hold of the psych but this time to insist that I believe Ben is at risk and insist she writes me a prescription for antidepressants. Then I need to persuade Ben to take them (which will be impossible).
Meanwhile what do I do? This could be threatening our marriage as H blames me for Ben's outbursts and accuses me of "going against all the professional advice" because the CAMHS team "obviously know what they're doing and look what happens whey you try to do it your way".
This was after having agreed with Ben that we'd go back to the eating plan if he loses weight again this week. At the end of the evening Ben firmly denied agreeing to it - and refused to do so saying he'd laugh in my face if he actually put on weight this week. And meanwhile he's seeing the triangulation between me and the psych, and last night between me and his Dad.
Game, set & match to ED, definitely. And I've no idea what to do now. No idea. Feel totally and utterly defeated with everyone against me.
The pscyh knows I don't see eye to eye with her and said as much today when we popped in briefly in a bid to get her to try and get Ben to speak when he had shut up shop completely today.
He walked out of the session and she told me to my face that she thought I wasn't completely happy with the treatment so I told her we're just going round in circles and not getting anywhere.
My main aim today, though, wasn't to talk about how we can all get on the same page and advance forward, it was other more urgent stuff and in a curious way it seems to have slightly pulled my son out of his dark mood though it didn't stop him barking at me to make sure I used no more than one tbsp of oil in our evening meal and generally cut down as he has been generally doing since he "took responsibility" for his own eating.
However I have it on record now that the Eating Plan will be back if he's lost weight when we go for his proper session tomorrow - and no doubt then all hell will break loose as we know ED hates eating plans. Next week I've insisted on a family meeting with a session of just husband, me and the psych to thrash things out.
He's lost a little bit of weight (how much, I wasn't told...) And I'm not being supported in bringing the parental-managed eating plan back into play...
The psych wasn't "unduly concerned" about this weight loss as, despite his consistent weight loss recently, he is "nowhere near what he was when the treatment started" which, I take it, is a "good sign because he's done so well". (Note, I write all this with gritted teeth...)
Now, acc. to the psych we need to take the focus off the eating and concentrate on the psychological side of recovery because "I think it's time focus less on the eating side of things and more on working together as a family to see what is helpful to Ben and what isn't".
And, it seems from what she has told my son, that I am probably the reason why he got anorexia in the first place - by being an overprotective mother and by passing my own anxieties to my son. (My teeth are grinding themselves down now, they're so gritted...)
Worse, according to my son this morning, she said that, for him and his build, it's unreasonable for me to expect an average weight gain of as much as 0.5kg a week (NICE guidelines).
(This, despite the fact that, when I was in control of the eating plan, he gained weight consistently at that pace, often more. And despite the fact that she doesn't know what his build is - she never saw him playing No 3 in the school rugby team! As CJB said on my other thread, if he played rugby at all now, let alone No 3, he'd be snapped in half...) (Teeth are now ground down to the gums...)
Oh, and because it's the summer, we should take things a bit easier all round... (Get me some false teeth will you...)
There is nothing I can do. If I fire the team, we're stuck with nothing. And I can't complain because on what grounds would I complain?
Been up since the crack of dawn this Sunday morning... couldn't sleep, I was so wound up about it all, especially following our evening meal yesterday which catapulted us back at least 8 weeks - and when we saw the photos of Ben at the (successful) school prom, looking so thin and pale, even H realised that we're getting nowhere with the psych.
However he had a caveat which was that maybe she has some "hidden agenda" as he calls it whereby she concentrates on working on the reasons behind the ED before working on the re-feeding which, hopefully, should come naturally as a result of the reasons behind ED being sorted out. NB I HASTEN TO ADD THAT THIS IS WHAT HE THINKS, NOT ME, as I know it should be completely the other way round!!!!!
Meanwhile Ben is refusing to speak to me about food AT ALL because of the psych criticising me for "going on" about food and feeling we "should focus less on food and more on what is helpful to Ben as regards how you and your husband approach this and talk to him". And all his old little ED tricks and behaviours are coming back... up to now they were gradually slipping back into his routine, but over the past week it's as if the floodgates have been opened and - woosh!!!! - in they all come.
And meanwhile he lost weight again on Friday (think I said that) so since he took back control of his own eating at the insistence of the psych 6 weeks ago he has only put on weight during ONE of those weeks; the rest he's lost it.
My alarm bells are ringing so loud I feel as if I'm going to explode.
We are insisting on a private meeting with the psych this week - half an hour of thrashing it out on Friday.
THE THING IS... I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO HAVE THIS BATTLE IN ADDITION TO THE BATTLE I'M HAVING WITH ED... IT'S MAKING IT A ZILLION TIMES HARDER AND I'M REACHING BREAKING POINT!!! Meanwhile I'm heartbreakingly watching my son slide downhill....
Okay, so Ben's present mood is far, far better. But, apart from that, there's something about the above which feels strangely familiar...